Ok this is my First beyblade story
Story will be up as soon as I have 3 more characters
Here are the characters!
Characters
Name: Andrew
Bey:Cyber Omega 100CS(Attack)
Age:13
Special Move:Omega:Mechanical Avalanche
Name:William
Bey:Ray Sagittario 125MSF(Attack)
Age:14
Special Move:Sagittario Laser Strike
Name:Riley
Bey:Basalt Aries S130MB(Defense)
Age:15
Special Move:Basalt Metal Shield
Name:Xyn
Bey:Phantom Nemesis 100XD(Attack)
Age:16
Special Move:Inferno of Pain
Name:Satoshi
Bey:Dimond Cerebus BD85LRHF/LXF
Age:13
Special Move:Lightning Assault
Here's the request layout
Name:
Age:
Bey:
Bey Type:
Special Move:
Personality:
Bey Decription:(Only if there are made up parts like MSF Metal Semi Flat)
I need 1 more character!
Okay, this is an example of trying too hard to add WBO members to a story in an attempt to get comments. One: Please have SOMETHING written before posting, otherwise, your thread seems uninteresting and useless. Once someone loses interest, it's hard to get ti back. Two: Too many characters off the bat. Start a story with three characters and an antagonist, and even that's pushing it. Last: Six WBO-made characters off the bat is WAY too many. Try one, and go with that, otherwise you get a bunch of insufferable cameo characters that you forget by Chapter 4.
In other words, write something first!
I agree with Megablader9. I'd also like to add the fact that you haven't posted any of writing on this site yet. Why would someone want to suggest a character for a story when they don't even know the writer's ability? Better yet, why would someone want a character in a story when they don't even know what the story is about. At least put ip a few chapters so that people can get to know your writing style or the storyline before you ask for characters.
Okay I will start writing but thank you for telling me that next time I write but thank you
Prolouge
It was a breezy night the tree was still. The tree was known as the Tree of Life. It held the 3 Shadow Dimonds. The dimonds kept the tree in balance. Everything was good until the "day" came. Civilization came and chopped the tree down scattering the Shadow Dimonds. Hundreds of years later with the dimonds still scattered, it is up to one boy discover his fate and save the world.
Don't get discouraged just because people aren't posting. Just continue writing and as you go on, more people will read it.
Too little of a chapter. Nobody can post with only this.
(Jul. 16, 2011 2:45 AM)M.Cancer90R2F Wrote: [ -> ]Prolouge
It was a breezy night the tree was still. The tree was known as the Tree of Life. It held the 3 Shadow Dimonds. The dimonds kept the tree in balance. Everything was good until the "day" came. Civilization came and chopped the tree down scattering the Shadow Dimonds. Hundreds of years later with the dimonds still scattered, it is up to one boy discover his fate and save the world.
...Ok, so let me give you a few tips:
1. You didn't put a single comma anywhere in that 'prologue'. In fact, the first line should have had one after 'night'. Read up on some grammar techniques before you update again.
2. Describe things! The tree, the civilizations, even the process of chopping the tree!
Chapter 1: One Boy's Story
Andrew was an average blader. He had an even amount of wins and losses, 10 wins and 10 losses. Andrew woke up one morning, tired and hungry. He got up and made himself some toast. As he was eating, he looked at the time. It was 10:00 a.m. Andrew was shocked. "Im going to be late!!". He got dressed, grabed his bey, his launcher and ran out the door to Bey park. William was waiting for him, and he was mad. "Sorry I'm late Will." William stared at him for a second. "Okay Andrew, let's battle!!" They both got into position. "3...2...1...LET IT RIP!!!" Both beys landed in the stadium. "GO SAGITTARIO ATTACK!!!"
Sagittario sent Omega flying. "OMEGA ATTACK NOW!!" Omega dove towards Sagittario. "Now Sagittario special move, SAGITTARIO LASER STRIKE!!" Sagittario began to light up, then charged at Omega. "Omega new move, ALPHA: MISSLE STRIKE!!" Both beys collided in the center of the stadium. Then both beys surged with power before flying out of the stadium, resaulting in a tie. Both bladers congratulated on another. "Great match Andrew." "You too William." The two boys started walking towards their friends house.
Yes I know it's short but I will be improving
Here are some suggestions:
-You need to make a new line for each time that a new person speaks.
-You should describe the environment. Instead of just writing that he went to the Bey Park, you could describe the way that the park looks.
-You should describe the way that the characters look.
-You should describe the way that the beyblades look. Since you made up Omega, you should tell us how it looks, as we have no idea. You also didn't give any information about the metal wheels, tracks, or bottoms.
-Try to slow down your mind when you write. Pretend that you are with all of the characters, but the story is moving 10 times slower. Describe the characters facial expressions, the way that the park sounds, the way that the special moves look, and overall, use the five senses in your descriptions.
I think that this is better than the first chapter, but it could still be greatly improved.
Ok thank you Swift i thought some would say something like that
Chapter 2: Meeting with a Friend
As Andrew and William were walking to their friend's house, it started to rain and they then started to run.
"C'mon Andrew, run faster."
Andrew started to sprint, but then he heard a clank.
"OH NO, I DROPPED OMEGA!"
He then picked up his bey and ran after William, drying his bey at the same time. They made it to their friends doorstep, rang the doorbell and the door opened.
"Hey guys you made it, come inside."
They went inside being careful not get everything wet.
"Riley, let's see your bey."
"Okay, be right back."
Riley went upstairs and came back down with something in his hand.
"Here it is, Basalt Aries S130MB!"
Andrew and William were amazed.
"Okay Riley, how about your Aries, takes on my rock 'em sock 'em robot CYBER OMEGA!!"
"Okay guys let's go!"
The three grabbed their beys and headed for the local stadium.
They then made it to the stadium and started getting ready.
Name:Xyn
Age:16
Bey
hantom Nemesis 100 XD
Dark Move:Grind:He grinds against the enemy and burns them until they are just ash
Personality
vil, sadistic, cruel, insane
Bey Decription:Face bolt:A shadow figure
Energy ring:Like pegasis only Black and sharper
Metal wheel:1 big rotating saw.Painted in non chiping black paint
Spin track:A normal black 100
Pref.Tip
xtreme defence:Top tier defence.In black
Chapter 3-Part 1: Vs. Riley
Everyone was ready but, no one knew who Riley was going to face first.
"Okay guys, who is going to face me first?"
"I know what we can do?"
"What Andrew?"
"ROCK.......PAPER......SCISSORS!!!!"
Riley and William looked at him like he was stupid.
"You know what, I will go first."
"NOOOO I wanna go fir.."
"NO I'M GOING FIRST!!"
"Okay William"
William and Riley got into position.
"You ready Riley?"
"Hmph...READY!!"
Everything was calm and still.
"3.....2....1.....LET IT RIP!!!"
Both beys landed in the stadium. Sagittario charged at Aries.
"ARIES...DODGE NOW!"
Suddenly Aries moved out out of the way of the attack but, Sagittario quickly turned back around and charged again.
"GO SAGITTARIO ATTACK..NOW!!"
Sagittario attacked Aries but, Aries was unneffected.
"OKAY..SAGITTARIO SPECIAL MOVE!"
"SAGITTARIO LASER STRIKE!!!"
Sagittario started to light up.
"TOO SLOW...SPECIAL MOVE...ARIES BASALT METAL SHIELD!!"
Just then, Sagittario was sent flying out of the stadium.
"Darn it, I lost."
William picked up Sagittario.
"Okay Riley it's my turn."
It can be easy for readers to get lost when there is a lot of dialogue in a row. Use dialogue tags to differentiate between the speakers so that it makes it easier for the readers to understand.
What are diolouge tags what do you mean?
Dialogue tags are things like he/she said, he/she asked, or other things like that. In the case of this story, you would probably change the he or she to the characters name. You put the dialogue tags after someone says something, but you don't always have to use them. By using them, it shows the reader who is saying what and helps them understand it more. Also, instead of using the ones that I previously mentioned, you could have an action the character is doing, or the he said with the action. Lastly, you shouldn't always use he said or he asked. Try to vary them with things like exclaimed, questioned, shouted, yelled, agreed, etc. If this didn't help you, since I'm not very good at explaining things, try looking at this link:
http://www.fiction-writers-mentor.com/di...-tags.html
Hey Nyan Cat i need a special move Name other than Grind
Chapter 3-Part 2: Andrew Vs. Riley
Andrew and Riley got into positions.
The air was tense.
"3...2...1...LET IT RIP!!"
They both launched their beys into the stadium.
"Okay Andrew, let's just see how strong your rock 'em sock 'em robot really is?" Riley said mockingly
"I'll make you eat those words....GO OMEGA STRIKE!!" Andrew yelled.
Omega charged and hit Aries, nearly sending it flying out of the stadium.
"ARIES!!!"
Aries landed back in the stadium.
"That was too close." Riley said.
"OMEGA ATTACK!!" Andrew yelled.
Omega started ramming Aries, but Aries was uneffected.
"Hmph, your attacks have no effect." Riley said.
"Grrrr....OMEGA STRIKE!!!" Andrew said.
Omega started to attack Aries fiercely. Suddenly Aries started to glow.
"ARIES SPECIAL MOVE BASALT METAL SHIELD!!!" Riley yelled.
Omega was blown away. Andrew needed a plan to stop Aries' special move.
"OMEGA THIS OUR SPECIAL MOVE....OMEGA: MECHANICAL AVALANCHE!!!!!" Andrew yelled intensely.
"Wha..what!?!?" Riley said in a worried tone.
Omega shot into the air after glowing with red energy. Suddenly, Omega came back down going as fast as a falling metorite.
"NOW!!!" Andrew yelled.
Omega crashed into Aries causing it to lose all spin power.
"YEAH I WON!!" Andrew said excitingly
They both walk towards each other and shook one another's hand.
"Impressive, for a little kid." A mysterious voice said.
"HEY...WHO'S THERE!?!?" William yelled.
Then something appeared out of the shadows.
"Hello I'm Xyn."
is anyone goin request a character?
(Jul. 18, 2011 4:59 AM)M.Cancer90R2F Wrote: [ -> ]Hey Nyan Cat i need a special move Name other than Grind
Chapter 3-Part 2: Andrew Vs. Riley
Andrew and Riley got into positions.
The air was tense.
"3...2...1...LET IT RIP!!"
They both launched their beys into the stadium.
"Okay Andrew, let's just see how strong your rock 'em sock 'em robot really is?" Riley said mockingly
"I'll make you eat those words....GO OMEGA STRIKE!!" Andrew yelled.
Omega charged and hit Aries, nearly sending it flying out of the stadium.
"ARIES!!!"
Aries landed back in the stadium.
"That was too close." Riley said.
"OMEGA ATTACK!!" Andrew yelled.
Omega started ramming Aries, but Aries was uneffected.
"Hmph, your attacks have no effect." Riley said.
"Grrrr....OMEGA STRIKE!!!" Andrew said.
Omega started to attack Aries fiercely. Suddenly Aries started to glow.
"ARIES SPECIAL MOVE BASALT METAL SHIELD!!!" Riley yelled.
Omega was blown away. Andrew needed a plan to stop Aries' special move.
"OMEGA THIS OUR SPECIAL MOVE....OMEGA: MECHANICAL AVALANCHE!!!!!" Andrew yelled intensely.
"Wha..what!?!?" Riley said in a worried tone.
Omega shot into the air after glowing with red energy. Suddenly, Omega came back down going as fast as a falling metorite.
"NOW!!!" Andrew yelled.
Omega crashed into Aries causing it to lose all spin power.
"YEAH I WON!!" Andrew said excitingly
They both walk towards each other and shook one another's hand.
"Impressive, for a little kid." A mysterious voice said.
"HEY...WHO'S THERE!?!?" William yelled.
Then something appeared out of the shadows.
"Hello I'm Xyn."
Ok how about "Inferno of pain"?