Prologue
A boy that has a dream of becoming a great blader trains everyday at a traning camp. He has to keep doing regular training because he dosen't have a beyblade. He has to use the training beys. But his Sensei gives him an L-Drago energy ring. Then something drops from the sky. Thats where his journey begins.
Chapter 1: Race to the Crash Site
"Dude where are you going?" asked one of the students. "I'm going to where the thing that fell out the sky landed" said Sars. As Sars runs to the crash site he see's someone else running to it. "Me and you, lets battle!" yelled Sars. "Why?" asked the kid. "Because I have to get to it first. "As you wish" said the kid. 3-2-1 Let it Rip!!!!!!!!! they yelled. Sars put all his power into his training bey then finished it quick. He start running again. Then he finally got to it. "It's some kind of fusion wheel" said Sars. "I gotta go show this to sensei". So he ran to Sensei. "Sensei I found a fusion wheel" exclaimed Sars. "Let me see" said Sensei. "Ok" said Sars willingly. "Whawhat" said Sensei in shock. "This is the Heaven fusion wheel". "Whoa" said Sars. "Let me see your L-Drago energy ring. "Ok" said Sars. "It fits perfectly on there!" yelled Sensei with happyness. Then magically a spin track and a performance tip formed. "Whoa" yelled Sensei. "What happen?" asked Sars. "It formed a spin track and performance tip" said Sensei. "The performance tip seems to be a metal Eternal Stamina Spike performance tip." "The spin track is unknown." "I'll name it." " It has lightning bolts on its spin track, I will put by electricity." It absorb electrical charges." "Looks like you have your own bey now." "Cool!!!" exclaimed Sars. "I want it to battle my Shuriken L-Drago!" yelled Sensei. "Are you up to it?" "Definitely!" exclaimed Sars. So the two begin to start there battle. Until next chapter folks.
This is bad. Read what I posted on your other story, the same applies here, minus the length. The grammar got worse, though. Again, -5/10.
Well, Stuff happens randomly. A little to quickly, the battle has no description, and how can "sars battle without a bey and only a energy ring. And later with only a Energy ring and fusion wheel. It needs to be longer and more descriptive.
Thanks for the tips, the next chapter will be better. It says he battles with his training beyblade.
Hah, due to what I've seen from you're writing, I await the day. Please take others' advice. (And READ THE WRITERS' HANDBOOK FOR PETE'S SAKE!)
And your grammar needs to be better
Chapter 2: Sensie VS. Student
So the two go outside and the battle starts between sensei and student. Who will win?
3-2-1 Let it Rip!!!!
"Go Heaven L-Drago!" yelled Sars.
"You should know not to charge at a sensei" said Sensei lowly. L-Drago move out the way. Now destroy his bey!!!
"(This bey has so much speed)" thought Sars. L-Drago Heavenly Speed.
"(What it's that fast)" thougt Sensei. That training really paid off Sars. I must have you know that if you beat me you graduate.
"Then I've got to beat you!" yelled Sars.
"Determination is good" said Sensei. Shuriken L-Drago Special Move!!!!! Shuriken Bite!!
"(It's my first time using this bey, what do I do)" thought Sars. I must see what powers my fusion wheel has. Show your true power L-Drago.
Heaven L-Drago shines and blinds Shuriken L-Drago.
"I see an opening, attack Heaven L-Drago full power!!!!" exclaimed Sars.
"What!!" exclaimed Sensei.
Heaven L-Drago hits Shuriken L-Drago and Shuriken L-Drago flies out the stadium and Heaven L-Drago wins.
"You did well Sars, very well since it's your first time using a real bey" said Sensei. I'm proud of you. Congradulations you graduated.
"Awsome, but no graduation?" asked Sars.
"Nope just a solid gold chain that says S for Sars" said Sensei.
"Cool!" yelled Sars. Sensei now that I have graduated I'm going to go out become the best blader ever and I hope you see it.
"Good luck on your journey Sars, I'll miss you" said Sensei happily.
"I'm going to miss you too Sensei" said Sars. I'll visit you.
So Sar walks away and continues his journey.
It's better
The tense is inconsistent. It's slightly better, but there wasn't far to go to do that. Anyway, the grammar still reeks.
Chapter 3: A New Look
So Sars continues his journey.
"I should get me new clothes because every great blader has there own unique look" said Sars. Then I'll go to the mall. I want to get there fast, so I so I should take a Taxi.
Sars walks to a place where taxis go by. He finally see's one.
"Taxi!" yelled Sars.
"If you want a ride then battle me" said the taxi driver. My bey is Earth Saggitario!
The taxi drive wore a taxi uniform nice and neat with short dirty blonde spiky hair with a hat on top. He also kept a sucker in his mouth.
"Ok, but don't be suprised when you lose" said Sars.
"Losing to a kid, hahaha!!!! You sound funny" said the taxi driver.
"Lets get this battle started!" exclaimed Sars.
3-2-1 Let it Rip!! they both yelled.
"Go Heaven L-Drago" yelled Sars. Hit him hard.
"Saggitario Earth Defense!!!!" exclaimed the taxi driver.
"Whoa his defense is that strong" said Sars.
"I'll end this quick" said the taxi driver. Special Move! Metal Arrow Impulse.
"Heaven L-Drago, Heavenly Speed!!" yelled Sars.
L-Drago dodged Saggitario's attack.
"Your wide open, go L-Drago full power!!!!" exclaimed Sars.
Saggitario flew into the taxi and L-Drago wins.
"Good game kid, I'll take ya where ever you want" said the taxi driver.
"I wanna go to the mall" said Sars.
"Okay, get in" said the taxi driver.
So Sars arrives at the mall and he walks in.
"Ooh a beyblade clothes store!" exclaimed Sars.
Sars ran to it and got a dark yellow sleeveless shirt with black designs and a golden design saying Let it Rip! He also got regular white shorts with black socks that have the L-Drago sign on it. Then he walked out the store and went to the shoe store. He got white slip on shoes with a design that is a lightning bolt coming from a cloud. After that he saw a hair dye store. He bought sky blue hair dye with extra shine grease. He finally went home and put all the stuff on.
Erm...You DO realize that it's not legal to have two accounts? It's not hard to figure out that you're Smart Blader.
(Jul. 14, 2011 8:27 PM)Megablader9 Wrote: [ -> ]Erm...You DO realize that it's not legal to have two accounts? It's not hard to figure out that you're Smart Blader.
He has two accounts?
Anyways, I have to second Megablader on this one. The grammar isn't too good, there's not any description, things that happen are very random, I can't understand whats going on, the main character doesn't even have a personality, and the beybattles don't make any sense.
Writers handbook for you, my friend.
Chapter 4: Aero Hoshigaki
So Sars continues his journey and he finds a tournament. The tournament is held in Hong Kong.
"I better go see what time the flight starts!" yelled Sars. Hmm. Ten o'clock p.m. I still have time to get there, alot of time.
Two and a half hours later...
"30 minutes until my flight starts" said Sars.
Sars finally gets on his plane.
Two weeks later...
"I'm finally here" said Sars. Better find me a hotel. I'm hungry too so I should eat, oh no, I only brought money for the hotel. Guess I'll go fishing.
But little does he know about what lies ahead of him. Hong Kong had alot of markets and alot of water. There was a sign saying free fishing poles and Sars went and grabbed one. Sars saw someone.
"Why is your fishing pole so big?" asked Sars.
"Because it's also my bey launcher" said the stranger.
"You have a bey?!" asked Sars loudly.
"Yes, but first let me introduce myself" said the stranger. My name is Aero Hoshigaki of the Hoshigaki clan and my bey is Basalt Leone, nice to meet you.
Aero had red hair that was spiky on top and a long pony tail in the back. He had 3 gold earings on each ear, had a sleeveless white cloak that was open with no shirt on underneath with black rolled up pants and flip flops. He was also buff with a six pack.
Hmph. I see you have a bey, you look tasty to whoop. How about it, a bey battle.
"First let me introduce myself" said Sars.
"I don't want to know anything about you, lets just battle!" exclaimed Aero.
"Okay!" exclaimed Sars angrily.
"Follow me" said Aero.
So Sars follows Aero.
"This is where I live" said Aero. Lets go to the stadium.
They arrived at the stadium.
3-2-1 Let it Rip!!! yelled both of them.
To Be Continued...
So the idiot returns... Dude, you're a glutton for punishment, aren't you? We DO have IP bans. Oh, and Fat Bob? One-liners are guaranteed to get you warned. (I can't believe someone named "Smart Blader" can be this DUMB. Wait...I can, considering the guy thinks he's a beyblade scientist.
