Im taking characters requests im new at writing but i hope you like it
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CHAPTER 1 THE MYSTERIOUS BLADER
Masamune was at Beypit, fighting against Alexander Mason and both beys were clashing one was a green spot in the stadium while the other one was a orange spot.
Alex shouted, "Go Earth Pegasis; do your special move! Earthquake Splash!"
The floor started to move, but that wasn't enough to take Laser Unicorno out of the stadium.
"Oh no!" said Masamune "I'm about to lose BUT I WONT GIVE UP! Special Move, Laser Horn! Unicorno's beast emerged from the face, but it was different from normal. In this case, Unicorno's horn was larger and shined with a purple color .
Unicorno charged against Earth Pegasis and made it fly out of the stadium.In shock about his loss, Alex said "Man, I lost. Well see you, Masamune",
Masamune answered "Okay, I will stay here practicing my Laser Quake" (His imperfect second special move.)
But another blade, one with a snarky look on his face, sneered, saying "No, you won't; I challenge you to a battle!"
"Okay, let's do this!" said Masamune, confident in his abilities as a blader. The smirking adversary snickered, as if Masamune was walking into an obvious trap. Of course, Masamune's excitement made it impossible for him to notice, landing him into a terrible situation.
To be continued...
The mysterious blader will be the first character request.
Aye k, I'll make a review:
1. Grammar. Where's your quotations for quotes? "I mean, you have to use these!" I exclaimed.
2. This story need flow. You go directly from one thing to another. Instead, add some filler sentences.
There are no commas. I've seen math assignments with longer sentences (And better grammar) than this. Take Sparta's advice, and add the commas, and this should be decent.
(Jul. 08, 2011 4:06 AM)Faust Horogium Wrote: [ -> ] Im taking characters requests im new at writing but i hope you like it
CHAPTER 1 THE MYSTERIOUS BLADER
Masamune was at Beypit, fighting against Alexander Mason and both beys were clashing one was a green spot in the stadium while the other one was a orange spot.
Alex shouted, "Go Earth Pegasis; do your special move! Earthquake Splash!"
The floor started to move, but that wasn't enough to take Laser Unicorno out of the stadium.
"Oh no!" said Masamune "I'm about to lose BUT I WONT GIVE UP! Special Move, Laser Horn! Unicorno's beast emerged from the face, but it was different from normal. In this case, Unicorno's horn was larger and shined with a purple color .
Unicorno charged against Earth Pegasis and made it fly out of the stadium.In shock about his loss, Alex said "Man, I lost. Well see you, Masamune",
Masamune answered "Okay, I will stay here practicing my Laser Quake" (His imperfect second special move.)
But another blade, one with a snarky look on his face, sneered, saying "No, you won't; I challenge you to a battle!"
"Okay, let's do this!" said Masamune, confident in his abilities as a blader. The smirking adversary snickered, as if Masamune was walking into an obvious trap. Of course, Masamune's excitement made it impossible for him to notice, landing him into a terrible situation.
To be continued...
The mysterious blader will be the first character request.
Grammar fixed, and I fleshed out the story a bit.
Name:Unknown(Most call him "shadow of the west" because of his american voice when/if he talks)
Bey:Unknown Shadow S100 G
Looks:He has blue eyes, blonde hair and very pale skin.(But he mostly coveres his face with his cloak)He has a black hooded cloak, kind of like a grim reaper.
Personallity
vil, cold, a great blader, a tratior, quiet
Dark move
ain:Acid jets squirt out of his metal wheel and decintergrate the opponent
Name: Tamouro Kawabe
Bey: Thermal Telescope GB145LRF-Balance
Appearance: Brown hair with a Headband that has Telescope's Face Symbol on it,
Blue Jeans, and a Dark blue T-Shirt.
Side
rotagonist
Persona: Determined to win
Special Move: Star Bazooka; The power of the stars transfers into Thermal Telescope and it Fires a Star Beam.
He used to be apart of a Beyblade Team named Blitz Bladers but the other members turned on Tamouro, so he
wants his revenge on them.
Chapter 2 The trap
Masamune and the mysterious blader walked to a bey stadium,and prepared their beys.
"Ok let's do it"Masamune exclaimed but first tell me your name .
Shadow answered the blader and my bey is Unknown Shadow S100 G with an evil voice
Lets begin 3,2,1 GOO SHOOOT! both beys started circling the beystadium,
Masamune decided to do his special move "Laser horn!" he shouted but this time the unicorn didn't emerged
,instead the bey started shining in a purple tone and it charged against Shadow but he didnt make a single scratch in the other bey, Shadow decided to end this "Dark move Pain" the stadium started to flood with acid. when it reached Laser Unicorno Masamune was scared he didn't knew what to do his bey was about to be destroyed by that move,but unicorno had other plans and jumped onto the facebolt of Shadow breaking it ,but shadow was stilll spinning and Laser unicorno melted in the acid "NOOOOOO I LOST" shouted Masamune
TO BE CONTINUED
(Jul. 09, 2011 11:02 AM)sum 472 Wrote: [ -> ]Name: Tamouro Kawabe
Bey: Thermal Telescope GB145LRF-Balance
Appearance: Brown hair with a Headband that has Telescope's Face Symbol on it,
Blue Jeans, and a Dark blue T-Shirt.
Siderotagonist
Persona: Happy go-Lucky
Special Move: Star Bazooka; The power of the stars transfers into Thermal Telescope and it Fires a Star Beam.
He used to be apart of a Beyblade Team named Blitz Bladers but the other members turned on Tamouro, so he
wants his revenge on them.
You will be introduced in the next chapter
Name : Kyusei Hatome
Bey: Black Leopard BD145 S/RF
Appearance-Black Coat with a hood (He Removes the hood when in battle).Light red pants,Red Hair.
Side- Protagonist/Sometimes an antagonist
Persona-Mysterious,Quite,,Cool during battles,Really Strong and Battles Rarely and usually saves/Helps bladers who are in trouble.
Special Moves-1)Dark Claw (Sharp mode)-Continuously Strikes the opponent with its Track (BD145)
2) Black Tornado (RF mode)- Changes from S to RF and moves Vigorously around the Stadium
Creating a Black powerful tornado.
(Jul. 09, 2011 6:00 PM)Bladestar20 Wrote: [ -> ]Name : Kyusei Hatome
Bey: Black Leopard BD145 S/RF
Appearance-Black Coat with a hood (He Removes the hood when in battle).Light red maroon pants,Red Hair.
Side- Protagonist/Sometimes an antagonist
Persona-Mysterious,Quite,,Cool during battles,Really Strong and Battles Rarely and usually saves/Helps bladers who are in trouble.
Special Moves-1)Dark Claw (Sharp mode)-Continuously Strikes the opponent with its Track (BD145)
2) Black Tornado (RF mode)- Changes from S to RF and moves Vigorously around the Stadium
Creating a Black powerful tornado.
does it matters if you are introduced as a bad guy and then you join to the good side?
Will the evil members of Blitz Bladers be introduced?
I'm confused. Happy-go-luck people don't normally want revenge, they just want ice cream. So...the background is really clashing with the persona.
(Jul. 10, 2011 2:23 AM)Megablader9 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm confused. Happy-go-luck people don't normally want revenge, they just want ice cream. So...the background is really clashing with the persona.
Okay I'll Change it, I just don't know what to replace it with.
EDIT: Tamouro now is determined to win, and If he looses he'll keep trying!
(Jul. 09, 2011 10:01 PM)Faust Horogium Wrote: [ -> ] (Jul. 09, 2011 6:00 PM)Bladestar20 Wrote: [ -> ]Name : Kyusei Hatome
Bey: Black Leopard BD145 S/RF
Appearance-Black Coat with a hood (He Removes the hood when in battle).Light red maroon pants,Red Hair.
Side- Protagonist/Sometimes an antagonist
Persona-Mysterious,Quite,,Cool during battles,Really Strong and Battles Rarely and usually saves/Helps bladers who are in trouble.
Special Moves-1)Dark Claw (Sharp mode)-Continuously Strikes the opponent with its Track (BD145)
2) Black Tornado (RF mode)- Changes from S to RF and moves Vigorously around the Stadium
Creating a Black powerful tornado.
does it matters if you are introduced as a bad guy and then you join to the good side?
Yeah! Like i betray the bad said later!
(Jul. 10, 2011 2:03 AM)sum 472 Wrote: [ -> ]Will the evil members of Blitz Bladers be introduced?
yes they will but i need names and all those stuff
Name: Ryu Mizuchi
Beyblade: Blood Reaper TR145EWD -Stamina Type.
Looks: Black Hoodie and Black Cloak, a Purple Headband depicting Reaper's Face SymbolAll members of Blitz bladers has a Headband which depicts their beys face design.]and wears large shades which cover his eyes.
Side: Used to be good, but with the rest of Blitz Bladers betrayed Tamouro and kicked him out.
Personality: Cruel and Power-Hungry.
Special Move: Soul Steal: Blood Reaper ''Steals'' the Bey-Spirit of the opponent, severly reducing Attack power, Defence and Stamina.
He is The 1st member of Blitz Bladers to be introduced.
P.S When will the next chapter be uploaded.
(Jul. 11, 2011 9:50 AM)sum 472 Wrote: [ -> ]Name: Ryu Mizuchi
Beyblade: Blood Reaper TR145EWD -Stamina Type.
Looks: Black Hoodie and Black Cloak, a Purple Headband depicting Reaper's Face SymbolAll members of Blitz bladers has a Headband which depicts their beys face design.]and wears large shades which cover his eyes.
Side: Used to be good, but with the rest of Blitz Bladers betrayed Tamouro and kicked him out.
Personality: Cruel and Power-Hungry.
Special Move: Soul Steal: Blood Reaper ''Steals'' the Bey-Spirit of the opponent, severly reducing Attack power, Defence and Stamina.
He is The 1st member of Blitz Bladers to be introduced.
P.S When will the next chapter be uploaded.
maybe today or tomorrow
really good,but a little too corny
(Jul. 11, 2011 4:33 PM)sasuke41915 Wrote: [ -> ]really good,but a little too corny
why do you think it corny
im trying my best
Has Lazer Unicorno have a different Track and Bottom than Ray Unicorno D125CS?
Yes i forgot to tell you he has d145 defence 145 mcs metal coat sharp its coat sharp but with metal sharp
(Jul. 12, 2011 6:10 PM)Faust Horogium Wrote: [ -> ]Yes i forgot to tell you he has d145 defence 145 mcs metal coat sharp its coat sharp but with metal sharp
How come the next chapter isn't up yet? :I