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Full Version: Race!On! - The Chronicles of Lyn
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Yeah, so since the Battle Strikers story didn't work out, i thought maybe you guys would like this one better....It's an original fantasy story of mine revolving around racing and stuff, so i hope you like it Joyful_3


WARNING! Do NOT read if you're under 13...It has some curse words and stuff....Just putting this disclaimer up so i don't get banned or something because of the text in the story. xD


Chapter 1:
Chapter 2:

And after you read it, feel free to lemme know your thoughts/criticism/praise/questions about the story Joyful_3
cool idea. is it supposed to be a fast paced version of Sonic Riders? I get that thought from racing on super fast boards.
Well...i guess that's ONE way of looking at it. But no, you'll see that Sonic Riders, compared to THIS, is like comparing a speed-walking race to a race with super-sonic bikes, riding on top of super-sonic fighter jets who are racing through an obstacle course with flaming obstacles....that try to kill you. xD
But yeah, it's an extreme, over-the-top racing story. WITH MAGIC!
Hah, keep going, it's an awesome idea. considering how stories like this usually go, that stone giant is gonna wish he hadn't come out for that race. yeah Lyn!
dude your idea ROCKS pm me when you written the next Part
(May. 08, 2011  7:41 PM)Jackyboy9344 Wrote: [ -> ]dude your idea ROCKS pm me when you written the next Part

Haha, thanks! Glad you like it, and...i don't know when the next chapter is coming so...yah, you'll just have to check back or something Tongue_out

(May. 08, 2011  7:23 PM)Terra Blazer Wrote: [ -> ]Hah, keep going, it's an awesome idea. considering how stories like this usually go, that stone giant is gonna wish he hadn't come out for that race. yeah Lyn!

Joyful_3 Thanks for the nice words, i appreciate it Grin

And i wouldn't be too sure on that...this isn't going to be like most stories you've read Wink
Sorry for double post, just wanted to let ya all know that i edited the first chapter, fixed a few things i didn't like, and i think it's ALOT better now. You should reread it cos there are a lot of differences now Tongue_out

And also, i'll work on chapter 2 this weekend, so hopefully by the end of the weekend i'll have it done and you can read it Joyful_3
Wow. I must admit I'm impressed. I mean no offense, but many writers on the WBO may not have the ability to..erm..write well. Your fluency and grammar is impeccable, and I love the way you set up the character. We can already get a feel for his personality traits and characteristics. Remember, now that you have finished introducing the characters, or most of them that have appeared at this time, you should now begin to get around to the plot. Make sure you include lots of detail-use all of your senses! Dekailo once told me that smell is the #1 trigger for memories, so be sure to use that the most.

To summarize, I think (Please don't let this go to your head, but) this is one of the best stories (in terms of grammar, fluency, etc, etc) on the WBO. Nice work, well done!
(May. 12, 2011  9:54 PM)Sparta Wrote: [ -> ]Wow. I must admit I'm impressed. I mean no offense, but many writers on the WBO may not have the ability to..erm..write well. Your fluency and grammar is impeccable, and I love the way you set up the character. We can already get a feel for his personality traits and characteristics. Remember, now that you have finished introducing the characters, or most of them that have appeared at this time, you should now begin to get around to the plot. Make sure you include lots of detail-use all of your senses! Dekailo once told me that smell is the #1 trigger for memories, so be sure to use that the most.

To summarize, I think (Please don't let this go to your head, but) this is one of the best stories (in terms of grammar, fluency, etc, etc) on the WBO. Nice work, well done!

Woah, thanks alot, Sparta! It means a LOT, what you said! And coming from a person with such a badass username...it's just an honor! But yes, i will get around to the plot, i plan on intertwining plot with character introduction, so that it's not just a bulk of plot, then a cut-off paragraph introducing the character, then back to a bulk of plot. I've been trying to do the same for chapter 1 as well Tongue_out
And thanks for the SMELL idea...I'll make sure to use it(Though i gotta say, when writing the first chapter i wanted to give more VISUAL cues than anything.) A bad on my side, i suppose, so I'll make sure to touch ALL YOUR SENSES from chapter 2 onwards Joyful_3
Giving up? Really? Well, I think that this type of story gives more freedom than your Battle Striker story. I could not help it by noticing the beginning of this chapter: "Evil is overrated, and every hero is the same. Good, courageous, dashing… and if he isn’t, you just know that he will be by the end!" I just had to laugh about that because my God's Pawn suddenly appeared in my picture of that sentence.

Guess I have more to read later on.

Nice btw.
(May. 12, 2011  10:02 PM)Kavasiki Wrote: [ -> ]Giving up? Really? Well, I think that this type of story gives more freedom than your Battle Striker story. I could not help it by noticing the beginning of this chapter: "Evil is overrated, and every hero is the same. Good, courageous, dashing… and if he isn’t, you just know that he will be by the end!" I just had to laugh about that because my God's Pawn suddenly appeared in my picture of that sentence.

Guess I have more to read later on.

Nice btw.

Thanks! And yeah, i created the world for Race!On! So that pretty much ANYTHING is possible. I can and WILL do anything...and you're in for a wild ride with this story.

As for the God's Pawn reference....I didn't mean it intentionally, it was aimed more at the general fiction archetypes and plots. But yah, to be honest i prefer stories that are more wild and fun rather than serious and involve the possible death of everything. BUT, that doesn't have to mean it's a bad story Tongue_out On the contrary, like i've told you, your story IS awesome, and that fact is something beyond my personal preference Tongue_out
(May. 12, 2011  10:01 PM)kolosos666 Wrote: [ -> ]
(May. 12, 2011  9:54 PM)Sparta Wrote: [ -> ]Wow. I must admit I'm impressed. I mean no offense, but many writers on the WBO may not have the ability to..erm..write well. Your fluency and grammar is impeccable, and I love the way you set up the character. We can already get a feel for his personality traits and characteristics. Remember, now that you have finished introducing the characters, or most of them that have appeared at this time, you should now begin to get around to the plot. Make sure you include lots of detail-use all of your senses! Dekailo once told me that smell is the #1 trigger for memories, so be sure to use that the most.

To summarize, I think (Please don't let this go to your head, but) this is one of the best stories (in terms of grammar, fluency, etc, etc) on the WBO. Nice work, well done!

Woah, thanks alot, Sparta! It means a LOT, what you said! And coming from a person with such a badass username...it's just an honor! But yes, i will get around to the plot, i plan on intertwining plot with character introduction, so that it's not just a bulk of plot, then a cut-off paragraph introducing the character, then back to a bulk of plot. I've been trying to do the same for chapter 1 as well Tongue_out
And thanks for the SMELL idea...I'll make sure to use it(Though i gotta say, when writing the first chapter i wanted to give more VISUAL cues than anything.) A bad on my side, i suppose, so I'll make sure to touch ALL YOUR SENSES from chapter 2 onwards Joyful_3
'welcome dude.
P.S. Almost forgot! ....wait, carp, I forgot again...
Don't worry, i'm sure it was nothing important Tongue_out

Oh and BTW, i'll start accepting characters after the first race is done(in 5-6 chapters), and i'll provide a character profile thingy you need to fill out Tongue_out But that's in the future, so let's forget about it and focus on the NOW.
AND CHAPTER 2 IS HERE! Now, it's half as long as chapter 2, so if you think length is important, then sorry! If not, i hope you enjoy it Joyful_3

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER HAS SWEARING AND STUFF!!! SO RECOMENDED FOR AGES 13 AND UP!!!
(May. 14, 2011  1:08 AM)kolosos666 Wrote: [ -> ]AND CHAPTER 2 IS HERE! Now, it's half as long as chapter 2, so if you think length is important, then sorry! If not, i hope you enjoy it Joyful_3

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER HAS SWEARING AND STUFF!!! SO RECOMENDED FOR AGES 13 AND UP!!!

Wowzas! Very well done! Nice description of the colossus at the beginning. I could get a good feel for what it looked like (Kind of..try to include more senses)
(May. 14, 2011  1:38 AM)Sparta Wrote: [ -> ]
(May. 14, 2011  1:08 AM)kolosos666 Wrote: [ -> ]AND CHAPTER 2 IS HERE! Now, it's half as long as chapter 2, so if you think length is important, then sorry! If not, i hope you enjoy it Joyful_3

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER HAS SWEARING AND STUFF!!! SO RECOMENDED FOR AGES 13 AND UP!!!

Wowzas! Very well done! Nice description of the colossus at the beginning. I could get a good feel for what it looked like (Kind of..try to include more senses)

Yeah, i know! I should edit chapter 2....But i was just in such a hurry to post it yesterday xD I'm an idiot lolz
But thanks!
it's awesome dude
(May. 14, 2011  9:42 AM)bladeruler Wrote: [ -> ]it's awesome dude

Thanks man, appreciate it! Also quick note - i edited chapter 2 and updated it xD It's better and longer now Tongue_out Well, not by alot, just by 300 words or so, but it's still better. Wow, you guys must hate me for doing this thing TWICE in a row. I'll try to avoid doing stuff like this in the future!
Great story, although what was up with the battle strikers one? WAIT, had an idea, maybe we could write a joint story? Well, you would need to work out the grammatical errors and other stuff, as im not too pro myself Tongue_out
(May. 14, 2011  11:44 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: [ -> ]Great story, although what was up with the battle strikers one? WAIT, had an idea, maybe we could write a joint story? Well, you would need to work out the grammatical errors and other stuff, as im not too pro myself Tongue_out

Thanks, and like i said, the Battle strikers story wasn't working out....This story got more attention in a week than the BS one got in a month xD
Anyways, how bout you PM me your idea?!
nice work, kinda reminds me of my story idea just more explosive, magical, dangerous and bigger than mine (mine is just like a racing version of the chaotic world). anyway this is an idea that could realy go far.
(May. 17, 2011  7:23 AM)pikabattler Wrote: [ -> ]nice work, kinda reminds me of my story idea just more explosive, magical, dangerous and bigger than mine (mine is just like a racing version of the chaotic world). anyway this is an idea that could realy go far.

Thanks alot mate, im really glad you think so! But yah, i think it could go far too Joyful_3 (I'm hoping for maybe a manga in future?! Yeah, far fetched....but i guess dreamers gonna dream, huh?!)

ALSO, just an update: My week is full with tests and school stuff so i don't think i'll be able to write a chapter this week...i HOPE, however, for some character bios(for the main characters) at least, so you know a bit more about the characters Joyful_3