World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests)
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Hi everyone I made a story and here is the main character:
Now here is the story:
To be continued.
cooooooollllliiiioooo stry!!keep riten!
(Mar. 12, 2011  4:17 PM)C-Dub Wrote: [ -> ]cooooooollllliiiioooo stry!!keep riten!
Thanks!
Chapter 2

AWSOME story Horogium (can i still call you raffy?)
i cant wait for the next chapter

Bye
from Stormpegy
(Mar. 12, 2011  10:15 PM)StormPegy Wrote: [ -> ]AWSOME story Horogium (can i still call you raffy?)
i cant wait for the next chapter

Bye
from Stormpegy
OK thanks do you have a character request??
Yea ok
Main Character: Karuwa
Bey: Galaxy Pegasus 100 R2F (Attack)
Special Move: Pegasus Storm Bringer

Bye
Chapter 3

(Mar. 12, 2011  9:53 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 2
Next chapter...
(Mar. 13, 2011  4:37 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 4

...? Errr, yeah. Should probably fix that.

(Mar. 12, 2011  9:53 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: [ -> ]Then suddenly, my long lost bey just flew out of the sky. I thought "Hmm, I never knew that beys could just fly out of the sky.'

Another awkward moment. Definitely make this better, probably the most carpy part of this story. The actual story is decent, just a bit too cliché for my liking.
(Mar. 13, 2011  5:01 PM)GaHooleone Wrote: [ -> ]
(Mar. 12, 2011  9:53 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 2
Next chapter...
(Mar. 13, 2011  4:37 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 4

...? Errr, yeah. Should probably fix that.

(Mar. 12, 2011  9:53 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: [ -> ]Then suddenly, my long lost bey just flew out of the sky. I thought "Hmm, I never knew that beys could just fly out of the sky.'

Another awkward moment. Definitely make this better, probably the most carpy part of this story. The actual story is decent, just a bit too cliché for my liking.
OK I will try to improve those and the mistakes.
awsome story
i loved chapter 3

bye
Huh dude, my own character Has a bey named samurai, u really should change it, unless you want my characters
(Mar. 14, 2011  1:17 PM)Dracovianauis Wrote: [ -> ]Huh dude, my own character Has a bey named samurai, u really should change it, unless you want my characters
OK I will change it.
NameConfusedaif
Personality: good guy Ryuga type
Bey:Meteo Ldrago LW105LF
Special Move: Meteo Shower
(Mar. 15, 2011  1:18 AM)MLdragoMaster Wrote: [ -> ]NameConfusedaif
Personality: good guy Ryuga type
Bey:Meteo Ldrago LW105LF
Special Move: Meteo Shower
Alright I will use him next chapter.
I like the mood you give off, but it feels as if the story is too rushed. In a mere two sentences the character is already doing something else. Try to describe with more detail and spread the story out instead of packing it into a paragraph.
oh yeah, here are my characters


Name: Izuma Inzori
Name: Sonai Inzori
Name: Hatachi Inzori
Name: Rez Inzori
awsomesauce with pizza!!I have a character request:
NameTongue_outhantom
Bey:MF Haunting Phantom F135 IR2F
Gender:Boy
Side:Good or bad...doesnt reall matter to me as long as he's a main character.
Age:15
Type:Attack,Left spin
Bey Descripton:The face bolt says Phantom across and black surrounding the word.:The energy ring is black wth a little shade of dark purple there are P's on the left and right side of the energy ring with an oval in the middle of the ring and spikes surrounding the P's.The fusion wheel ,Haunting, is like pegasis energy ring with the wings only their stickin out of the side of the fusion wheel and there are 3 like the points of a triangle and in the gaps are little needles about 5 millimeters long sticking out too.The spin track ,F135, stands for fabric and it wobbles so when the opponent tries to attack the track they'll just fall over,but it's a mystery how it supports the fusion wheel,energy ring, and facebolt.The performance tip ,Ir2f,stands for invisibleR2f.If you take it off of the spintrack it becomes visible again.
Personality:Mysterious,dark,doesn't talk much,doesnt really use his full power,trustworthy until u make him mad,he's always cool and contained even when he loses,doesn't love any thing exept his family,friends,and bey.He knows karate and only battles strong opponents.
Looks like:He has black eyes,brown drooping hair like reiji over his right eye,he's about 5'11'',wears all black,black jordans,skinny jeans,black open sweatshirt with a black t-shirt,and black gloves that the UFC fighters wear.
(Mar. 15, 2011  2:56 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote: [ -> ]I like the mood you give off, but it feels as if the story is too rushed. In a mere two sentences the character is already doing something else. Try to describe with more detail and spread the story out instead of packing it into a paragraph.
Ok I will just take my time on each chapter if that makes my story better. Ill probably redo each chapter.