World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

hi id like to show you my newspaper draft i made for school, any feedback is welcome. [please note i am 12 years old] also i did this properly on publisher but i cant paste it


Sarah Johnson (aged 29) was tragically murdered with a knife in the back on the 2nd September 2010 by corrupt and jealous Jessica Campbell .
Sarah Johnson was best friends with Jessica Campbell ever since school, however Sarah seemed too be better at everything, and she made a job at telling her. She enjoyed walking, but for the last three days she had a cold and had not been out of her house. On the third day she was murdered with a knife in the back by twisted Jessica Campbell .She didn’t like trainers, however footprints of the new balance trainers were found at the crime scene
Twisted Jessica Campbell was always jealous of a Sarah Johnson . I”I didn’t mean too kill Sarah , but ever since the first day I met her she was always comparing me with her. She was smarter taller , prettier and spoilt. . She never seemed to be satisfied and well for one moment I just lost it . She was really a good friend.”
“Well it all started when we found out that Sarah Johnson was killed.” says police officer Bob “ according to the scientist she was killed three days before we found her. We started by investigating the body, we found various pollen on the body Goldenrod, Scots Pine, Plantain, Oak, Birch ,however we should have only found grass golden rod plantain and Scots pine . Oak ,and birch shouldn’t have been there meaning the murderer was from either area one,three or five. When we investigated the crime scene we found blood types O+ and B , obviously a person can only be 1 blood type. Sarah Johnson was blood type B meaning our murderer was blood type O+ , another clue. Also at the crime scene we found many finger prints ,two types to be exact . We took both types and found the first 1 matched with Sarah Johnson the second, ell all that we could despiser is that it was central pocket loop . Now here is the interesting part, we found some foot prints of new balance trainers however the family confirmed Sarah didn’t like wearing trainers meaning that the murderer wore trainers . Now that we had some prime information we got some witness statements or quotes for eye witnesses . “I saw a woman running towards me from the direction of my housing estate. She was about 50ft away so I couldn’t see her face, but she was covered in blood. I shouted to her and asked if I could help, but she tried to hide her face and ran off. She was quiet tall, 170 to 175 cm high, medium build, weighed between 150 to 155 pounds. I work in a beauty salon in the village and I would say her skin tone was about 18 with light brown shoulder length hair, She had blue jeans on with a blood covered white T-shirt. I would say she was acting very suspicious; she definitely killed the poor girl if you ask me.”

First,is this true?
Second,the interesting part isn't interesting.it's part of the clue,and the only thing interesting is when she got killed by her friend
lastly,your a very good writer.hah!you may even join the wbo times newspaper!


Anyways,your a verygood writer,and I think you will be a reporter in the future!so keep it up!!!

The police should not know that she "did not like to wear balance trainers". That is totally unrealistic. They found shoe prints, and what is more realistic is that, amongst her collection of shoes, she did not have any "balance trainers", which the family confirmed. That would make a lot more sense. "Not liking" something is just not serious.

Also, there are several mistakes. I do not know in English, but in French, numbers below ten have to be written in letters.

I don't think they would call anyone evil minded. In an article I once read about a murderer, they still called him a good person, just corrupted. So, refrain from using words such as evil or twisted. Just a tip.

(Mar. 06, 2011  3:43 AM)RinAK212 Wrote: [ -> ]I don't think they would call anyone evil minded. In an article I once read about a murderer, they still called him a good person, just corrupted. So, refrain from using words such as evil or twisted. Just a tip.

This is true. You should remain as neutral as possible.

Also, instead of saying "According to the scientist she was...", it should be "According to the autopsy..." but that's just me being picky. Also, "quite tall" is an opinion, so you would be better off putting "above average height for her age and/or gender"

P.S: Are you a Pokemon fan? Because the names of those Scientists seem veeery familiar...

As Kai-V pointed out, number below 10 are written out. Just confirming that because she wasn't sure.

Thanks guys i think i changed it, is there any way you can put a publisher file on here ?

(Mar. 06, 2011  3:52 AM)RinAK212 Wrote: [ -> ]Also, instead of saying "According to the scientist she was...", it should be "According to the autopsy..." but that's just me being picky. Also, "quite tall" is an opinion, so you would be better off putting "above average height for her age and/or gender"

P.S: Are you a Pokemon fan? Because the names of those Scientists seem veeery familiar...

, "quite tall " was in the witness statments meaning they would use informal launguage