when tyson was walking he could hear something then he just heard a heak moth .When he went home his school bully busted in the door what are you doing hear blaze ? said tyson. I just whanted to have a battle said blaze. You jeark how many times im i gonna say this i,ve beaten you 21 times blaze. Said tyson well then my aqurio is gonna bust you bey into little tiny parts said blaze. ya right said tyson my leon will destroy yours. Then let,s battle they both said 321! let it rip they both cricled around them specail move said tyson dark wave spin attack leon went in the middle black waves shot out out of the fusion weel ha tyson said my bey is able to aim at his attack aquiro dogged it then he got hit his bey jumped out of the arena see now that was 22 times said tyson arrrrgggghh! grumbled blaze meet me at the arena 10am i won,t miss it blaze walked out. day two tyson was running to the arena he met blaze are you ready wimp Blaze,s friends gigled yes said tyson then bey let,s beyblade said blaze 321 let it rip, bam bam! they both hit each other when aqurio whanted to make a move leon dogged it man said blaze. Himph said tyson ok said blaze it,s my turn specail move gravity blast blaze said then his beyblade jupmped up and telported while hitting leone.Leone has no problem whith that said tyson move so leone knocked out aqruio iii .... lost again nooooo said blaze . bad lose good win 23.0 ha! now im going later. don,t miss story two
too short, learn grammar, make it more interesting
Ummmm... can you please use proper english rules at least a bit. I can barely understand that.
Edit: Beaten.
i cant tell where one sentence ends and another begins also whoes saying what, i mean really,its obviouse but still need to put who said what
ok theres narater blaze and tyson
theirs no such thing as a narater
that still doesn't improve your story, we know about tyson, blaze and the narrator. just make your english better
that's not a good enough edit, seriously, just pay more attention in your english class, or if you're young, language arts
im sure you did not read it
we can understand who's saying what, but there's still words you spelled wrong and it's not a long enough chapter, please make it longer
its not at all better
put it inot word document and it shall show you your errors
i don,t see no inot
besides make your own story
do you have microsoft word? and most of us have made our own story, in fact, I'm thinking of making one myself,I just need to make a good storyline and think of characters
i do come up with stories but, their all very very detailed murder killing stories,which should not be posted,now please learn to spell
What they've been saying is totally right. Don't even say "Make your own story" because I have one. Also, the whole point of making a story is really for other people's enjoyment and the satisfaction of said enjoyment. If your not up for some constructive criticism, I don't see the point of having a story. Sorry if this comes across as rude but I mean it.
Also, Alex, you've seen my story and liked it. PM if you want help with yours.
(Dec. 20, 2010 12:19 AM)Kyuubi-Master Wrote: [ -> ]What they've been saying is totally right. Don't even say "Make your own story" because I have one. Also, the whole point of making a story is really for other people's enjoyment and the satisfaction of said enjoyment. If your not up for some constructive criticism, I don't see the point of having a story. Sorry if this comes across as rude but I mean it.
yeah Believe it! haha but on the seriouse note,yes posting stories mean people can take them apart
Hey geem456, I'll edit for ya and show you what it should look like approximately. Tell me if I'm allowed.
What do you mean by heak moth or can I take that out?
it ,s just a moth i created in my head just leave it there
Chapter One: A Bully Never Wins!
Tyson was walking when suddenly, he heard something strange. It was only a moth so he ignored it and continued home. When he got home, his school bully, Blaze, busted down his door
"What are you doing here Blaze?" Asked Tyson.
"I wanna have a battle, that's what!" Said Blaze in his cold low voice.
"How many times am I gonna have to say this. You. Can't. Beat. Me. I've beat you 21 times straight for pete's sake! Aren't you tired of losing?" Said Tyson, tauntingly.
"Well I guess 22 is my lucky number because me and my Aquario will smash your bey to pieces!" Said Blaze, confidently.
"Yeah right," said Tyson, "Just like those 21 other times."
"Talk is cheap," said Blaze, "Let's start!"
"Alright." Said Tyson, unenthusiasticly.
"3!"
"2!"
"1!"
"Let it rip!" They yelled in unison.
They started to circle, not onedaring enough to attack.]
"Okay this is getting boring," said Tyson after 10 minutes of circling, "Special Move, Dark Wave Spin!"
His Bey Shadow Leone 80JRF, moved towards the center and started to shoot dark waves from it's Metal Wheel. The waves caused Blaze's Bey, Poison Aquario WA100WHF, to lose balance and then, all it's spin.
"Arggghhh!" Yelled Blaze frustrated.
"I guess it's 22-0 now." Said Tyson mockingly.
I don't want to fight you anymore, but you could at least thank him for helping with your story