World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: Beyblade: Origins
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Tired of being only known as Aiga Akaba's son, eleven year old rookie Ace Akaba decides to embark on a journey to be more powerful and famous than his father Aiga ever was; winning the upcoming world championships is included in that. With his very own Achilles in hand, will he succeed? Follow Ace Akaba as he strives to secure his title as a future blading legend.
(Mar. 19, 2022  8:21 PM)UnknownIfirit Wrote: [ -> ]I saw you guys' "fan fictions" and I decided that it would be cool if I could try one!

Lyvvi Hisoki, a 14 year old rookie blader, suffers a major loss in a tournament. Saddened, he turns over a new leaf, creating both a new system, the Incognito system, and a new beyblade, Cognizant Loki! However, upon doing this, he realizes that heading back into the beyblade world will cause him too much embarrassment, so he creates a new identity for himself, dubbed "The Rogue". Under this new identity and new status as a blader, Lyvvi plans to start a new journey to the top, as well as keeping his identity a secret. However, as a slightly suspicious blader approaches him one day, Lyvvi becomes uneasy and questions whether or not he really is a good blader. With this, will he become one of the best? And more importantly, will he decide to come out of this identity shell?


Characters:
Lyvvi Hisoki
Beyblade: Cognizant Loki-Arc 2'+Mitigate 


(More characters will be added as the story continues on)   
Incognito System Explained:
   

Episodes: 
Episode 1: Enter Lyvvi Hisoki! 
Episode 2: Judgement's Incentive! Cognizant Insignia!
Episode 3: Tenacious Pursuit! Barbaric Fenrir! 

Side Note - I will be uploading 2 times each weekend, but since today is my first day making this, tomorrow should be the date of the first episode.
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Here's some tips:
1. Be mindful of the plot, you should have a line from start to end to not make any plotholes or wierd stuff.
2. Don't be too much unrealistic, this isn't mfb (I think).
3. A Character is a human, so they should behave like one.
4. don't give yourself time limits, this might lower the quality of a chapter because you would rush it sometimes to hit the deadline. Only make time limits if you know for sure you can do it and do not fear to delay it if you need.
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Cool premise I guess, and funny system. I'll keep an eye
looks interesting, if you need more characters or help with writing hit me up
(Mar. 19, 2022  8:21 PM)UnknownIfirit Wrote: [ -> ]I saw you guys' "fan fictions" and I decided that it would be cool if I could try one!

Lyvvi Hisoki, a 14 year old rookie blader, suffers a major loss in a tournament. Saddened, he turns over a new leaf, creating both a new system, the Incognito system, and a new beyblade, Cognizant Loki! However, upon doing this, he realizes that heading back into the beyblade world will cause him too much embarrassment, so he creates a new identity for himself, dubbed "The Rogue". Under this new identity and new status as a blader, Lyvvi plans to start a new journey to the top, as well as keeping his identity a secret. However, as a slightly suspicious blader approaches him one day, Lyvvi becomes uneasy and questions whether or not he really is a good blader. With this, will he become one of the best? And more importantly, will he decide to come out of this identity shell?


Characters:
Lyvvi Hisoki
Beyblade: Cognizant Loki-Arc 2'+Mitigate 


(More characters will be added as the story continues on)   
Incognito System Explained:
   

Episodes: 
Episode 1: Enter Lyvvi Hisoki! 
Episode 2: Judgement's Incentive! Cognizant Insignia!
Episode 3: Tenacious Pursuit! Barbaric Fenrir! 

Interesting, The Humiliation and creating a new persona is defiantly something new I look forward to reading this
Episode 1!



Constructive Criticism is welcome! I would like to note my mistakes and grow better from them!

Episode 2 Sneak Peek:

Lyvvi: I'll take revenge on Douma using this new persona!

Lyvvi: Hah! I'll take you all on! Let's go, Loki!

Lyvvi: What's that? Confidence I see? A single person wants to challenge me!

Lyvvi: Let's show 'em what we're made of, Loki!

Next Episode on Beyblade Burst: Incognito!

Impending Chaos! Loki's Onslaught!

Three... two... one! Go... SHOOT!!
(Mar. 22, 2022  2:24 AM)UnknownIfirit Wrote: [ -> ]Episode 1!



Constructive Criticism is welcome! I would like to note my mistakes and grow better from them!

Episode 2 Sneak Peek:

Lyvvi: I'll take revenge on Dakota using this new persona!

Lyvvi: Hah! I'll take you all on! Let's go, Loki!

Lyvvi: What's that? Confidence I see? A single person wants to challenge me!

Lyvvi: Let's show 'em what we're made of, Loki!

Next Episode on Beyblade Burst: Incognito!

Impending Chaos! Loki's Onslaught!

Three... two... one! Go... SHOOT!!
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Surprisingly enough, it is quite well written (not talking plot wise, I have no power to discuss plot).
The concept, as said before, is interesting. Although not sure if the stakes are that high, I guess having an influencer of some sorts making fun of you does work.
Some words got swapped, like "here" instead of "hear"
Writting style is not that bad, quite good actually.
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Hearthstone? I mean, cool name but a hearthstone is, well, a flat rock that makes or is part of a hearth, which in turn is the floor of a fireplace or the base/lower part of a furnace where molten metal collects.
I guess it could be taken as in he was born anew, like how molten metal is shapeless and can be forged into anything (kinda like a new life of some sorts). So it "kinda" fits.
(Mar. 22, 2022  11:34 AM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: [ -> ]
(Mar. 22, 2022  2:24 AM)UnknownIfirit Wrote: [ -> ]Episode 1!



Constructive Criticism is welcome! I would like to note my mistakes and grow better from them!

Episode 2 Sneak Peek:

Lyvvi: I'll take revenge on Dakota using this new persona!

Lyvvi: Hah! I'll take you all on! Let's go, Loki!

Lyvvi: What's that? Confidence I see? A single person wants to challenge me!

Lyvvi: Let's show 'em what we're made of, Loki!

Next Episode on Beyblade Burst: Incognito!

Impending Chaos! Loki's Onslaught!

Three... two... one! Go... SHOOT!!
.
Surprisingly enough, it is quite well written (not talking plot wise, I have no power to discuss plot).
The concept, as said before, is interesting. Although not sure if the stakes are that high, I guess having an influencer of some sorts making fun of you does work.
Some words got swapped, like "here" instead of "hear"
Writting style is not that bad, quite good actually.
.
Hearthstone? I mean, cool name but a hearthstone is, well, a flat rock that makes or is part of a hearth, which in turn is the floor of a fireplace or the base/lower part of a furnace where molten metal collects.
I guess it could be taken as in he was born anew, like how molten metal is shapeless and can be forged into anything (kinda like a new life of some sorts). So it "kinda" fits.
Thank you for your feedback! Also I changed it last minute because I didn't quite like how "The Rogue" sounds. However, I may just change it back into the Rogue or Masked Rogue.
(Mar. 22, 2022  11:41 AM)UnknownIfirit Wrote: [ -> ]
(Mar. 22, 2022  11:34 AM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: [ -> ].
Surprisingly enough, it is quite well written (not talking plot wise, I have no power to discuss plot).
The concept, as said before, is interesting. Although not sure if the stakes are that high, I guess having an influencer of some sorts making fun of you does work.
Some words got swapped, like "here" instead of "hear"
Writting style is not that bad, quite good actually.
.
Hearthstone? I mean, cool name but a hearthstone is, well, a flat rock that makes or is part of a hearth, which in turn is the floor of a fireplace or the base/lower part of a furnace where molten metal collects.
I guess it could be taken as in he was born anew, like how molten metal is shapeless and can be forged into anything (kinda like a new life of some sorts). So it "kinda" fits.
Thank you for your feedback! Also I changed it last minute because I didn't quite like how "The Rogue" sounds. However, I may just change it back into the Rogue or Masked Rogue.
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The mask description you gave makes it sound like an Oni, maybe you could name his disguise: "virescent oni"?, idk. Perhaps "Rogue/Masked Oni" could work too.
(Mar. 22, 2022  2:24 AM)UnknownIfirit Wrote: [ -> ]Episode 1!



Constructive Criticism is welcome! I would like to note my mistakes and grow better from them!

Episode 2 Sneak Peek:

Lyvvi: I'll take revenge on Dakota using this new persona!

Lyvvi: Hah! I'll take you all on! Let's go, Loki!

Lyvvi: What's that? Confidence I see? A single person wants to challenge me!

Lyvvi: Let's show 'em what we're made of, Loki!

Next Episode on Beyblade Burst: Incognito!

Impending Chaos! Loki's Onslaught!

Three... two... one! Go... SHOOT!!

hey, i like this!
Terribly sorry for the huge lack of chapters. I suddenly figured out that me and my family had to move houses on Monday, so we spent the rest of this week packing and setting up our new house. Therefore, I haven't had much time to be on and make chapters. However, I will be uploading more often, now that we have already moved in. I hope you forgive me for this.
(Apr. 03, 2022  1:47 AM)UnknownIfirit Wrote: [ -> ]Terribly sorry for the huge lack of chapters. I suddenly figured out that me and my family had to move houses on Monday, so we spent the rest of this week packing and setting up our new house. Therefore, I haven't had much time to be on and make chapters. However, I will be uploading more often, now that we have already moved in. I hope you forgive me for this.
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Real life always have the priority, you don't need to worry about not posting chapters and people getting angry, that doesn't happen here (Afaik).
(Mar. 22, 2022  2:24 AM)UnknownIfirit Wrote: [ -> ]Episode 1!



Constructive Criticism is welcome! I would like to note my mistakes and grow better from them!

Episode 2 Sneak Peek:

Lyvvi: I'll take revenge on Dakota using this new persona!

Lyvvi: Hah! I'll take you all on! Let's go, Loki!

Lyvvi: What's that? Confidence I see? A single person wants to challenge me!

Lyvvi: Let's show 'em what we're made of, Loki!

Next Episode on Beyblade Burst: Incognito!

Impending Chaos! Loki's Onslaught!

Three... two... one! Go... SHOOT!!

I really like this, it felt a little rushed but I liked it the grammar was good and I was able to understand it. look forward to chapter 2!
Episode 2?



Do I still have it in me? Probably not, but let me know with some commentary please! 

I know this episode was pretty short, sorry, but I didn't really want to make it too long for you guys and just ended up making it this way. Sorry again. Next episode will be significantly longer. Also I thought I would end it at a sort-of cliffhanger, let me know if you guys liked that one.

Also, I'm not the best with comebacks, but like Afton said:

"I always come back."

I missed you guys Grin