bey story the surpreme blader

ok the story starts with a guy named john a poor kid and his to best friends damian and harry ok heres my satory below

Charecters wanted!!!!!


i woke up feeling so bored that i lost every battle yesterday so i didn’t feel like getting up then (ring ring) the phone rang and i quickly picked it up and answered "hello “said john "ÿeah hi john do you want to get a new bey with me because i had my eye on some parts that i really want to get “said Damien "nahh i feel bad when everyone buys parts but me i wish i at least had 15 dollars to get a at least a performance tip but sadly I’m not rich I’m poor remember “replied john "no but what i do remember it’s your birthday and that I’m buying you the parts and plus Harrys coming""nahh i cant i will just stick with my bey well actually it’s not even a bey at all in my books I’m shore it will come to me sooner or later, bye " "by replied Damien. i felt so bored that i went to bey park to see if i could be anyone this time when i got to bey park their was a huge crowd around i mysterious man under a cloak then before my eyes he glanced at me then he looked away i felt really confused like i know that guy. I went to a stadium and locked around for anyone to battle then i found someone after i asked him to battle we both got out our launchers and bey then we shouted "3...2.....1 let it rip!" i felt like this was going to be a good battle and then unfortunately i lost i knew that i would never make it into the first round of battle bladers
ok i will right the next chapter next week


and charectors wanted
Pretty good.
You might want to make the chapters a little longer.
The grammar could be a bit better but pretty good.
Also can you read my story.
kay thanks this is my first time any way and yeah of course i will read your story wait i already did and yours is pretty good to
I would write your story than copy it into a word document and check grammar there.
thanks for the advice and do you want to make a charector
why dont you just write the whole thing on word. thats what i did and i have perfect grammar now.
anyway i think the storyline is awesome
check out my story for some tips (apparently its good) Wink
(May. 19, 2011  7:58 AM)Hope Wrote: You might want to make the chapters a little longer.
Your paragraphs are shorter than his.
Yeah but my storys bad.
hope no take it back your a way better writer than me
next will be tommorow and plus hope is my new editer
Chapter 2 the clash
I went home after I lost and thought about that mysterious man that looked at me I kept on telling my self not to worry about him and that I will never see him again after I ate dinner I went straight to bed and before I knew I was asleep then in my dream it was a dark and it seemed like their was nothing here then I saw a big figure it was coming closer and closer then he looked down at me and said I think you are ready”” “what the hell are you talking about man, I don’t even know you” replied john ”you do I was their watching over you for a long time and I come to give you this but only if you beat me in a battle with this bey Aqua Ketoss!!!” said the mystery man “ok at least it’s a good bey ok lets go 3….2….1 let it rip!!!” the beys smashed together a boom and it was furious battle between them and it was clashing muraculasy against each other but their could only be one winner. John got tied because he hasnt been in a battle like this before so he wouldnt know what hes up against. He tried his hardest but i didnt seem enough his bey was wobbiling then he closed his eyes and thought keep on going keep on going then he got up and shouted "special move whirlpool attack!!!!!!!!!!!!"the mysterious man gasped then disapeered then john woke up and felt something hard in his hand he looked down and saw a aqua ketos df75 d john was so amazed then he quickly called harry and damien "guys come down to bey park ive got something to show you and be ready to battle.
when they got their john got his bey out and showed them his awsome bey and pleaded for them to battle him and they agreed soon they attachted their beys and then "3...2.1 let it rip" shouted john and damien "go ketos "shouted john and in an instent john won thats the first time he ever one he was so happyand then "harry wanted to battle tommorow so john went back home waiting for the next day
it's a good story infact when we will gonna get the next chapter
today i think or tommorrow i got a lot on
The galaxy strikers begin
Chapter 3

John left his house and was so exited; the reason for this is because it was the day to enrol in battle bladers. When John got their he was so surprised because this year the battle bladers was a team tournament and whoever one that team goes to the world champion ships. John spotted his friend Harry and Damien and quickly rushed to them. “Hey, are you going into battle bladers because I am for sure” shouted John “of course but you don’t need to shout John, hey maybe you would like to be in the team with me and Harry” replied Damien of cause but theirs one problem whose our 4th member, every team has to have 4 team members. 3 battle and one stays until they battle another round” said John “almost forgot” everyone looked at harry in confusion “me and Damien got new beyblades” screeched Harry “totally forgot uhh my bey is um ahh here blaze striker s (strike) 115 cf (crater flat) it’s an attack type” said Harry “and here is mine Galaxy Vulpecula w105 sd a balance type pretty neat hah” “awesome now the only thing is our team name and last member” replied John “how about team Galaxy strikes” shouted Harry “I like it what about you” said John “love it” replied Damien “I think John should be leader” said Damien and Harry “what uhh whatever ok” said John “now do you want to have a test run with our new beys” screeched Damien and Harry in excitement “of cause” replied John . They found a bey stadium and set their launchers they shouted “3…2…1 let it rip” all he beys went around the stadium. John called out his special move “Aqua whirlpool strike” aqua ketos striked all the beys but the beys held their ground as ketos ran into the beys “hah I have made my own special move hahahahahhaha. Go vulpecular galaxy fox scratch” shouted Damien a giant fox leapt out his bey and went straight for blaze striker but harry wasn’t worried he called out his special move at the same time a john “go striker finish this . Huh flaming blaze point!!!!” screeched Harry “don’t leave me out of this haaaaaaaaaaahhhhh go aqua whirlpool strike” shouted John all beys clashed. The beys were nowhere to be seen they looked and their beys came coming down their was only one winner the beys came down and John won.

Next chapter the foruth member
umm if no one posts im gonna have to shut down this thread
...Bad. THIS IS WHY WE NEEDED THE "State of the Your Creations Forum" THREAD! I mean, GEEZ. The title is lame, there is NO capitalization at the beginning of sentences, and don't you learn to capitalize I in the first grade? All of the characters are total Mary-Sues, and the dialogue is lame. This needs a total overhaul, as in kill it dead, and let it stay that way.
hey that was mean come on im a begginer and im in year 4 mate no one can be as perfect as you so if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all
...So? Age is NO excuse, man. It's called criticism. You'll get some. If you don't want your story to be looked at like it's bad, then get better. A lame story is a lame story. That's all there is to it.
i have seen the writing that you post and you say most of the other stories have mistakes
And it helps them. My writing isn't perfect either. I know that. But I put in the effort. I don't get offended when people point out my mistakes, I put in effort and FIX them. Like my first story here. It was terrible, though compared to the stuff here, it seemed great. People told me it was good, except for Night, so I slowed down the story a bit. Later, I was told that I was still making rookie mistakes, so I went back and edited. I spend at LEAST three hours on editing per chapter alone. Writing a chapter should take two to three days. Anyway, mistakes are indeed normal, but you've got to put in the EFFORT, and not fall back on something like age as an excuse. You follow?
Hey this is really great I like it and how it might turn out this is good maybe you and hope should make the rest of the story together and if you want since I have a lot of free time on WBO I can probably be able to helpJoyful_2
of cause you can help i will pm you so you can give me ideas
(Aug. 05, 2011  9:12 AM)Bey Ninja 14x Wrote: Hey this is really great I like it and how it might turn out this is good maybe you and hope should make the rest of the story together and if you want since I have a lot of free time on WBO I can probably be able to helpJoyful_2

Hope? Did you ask him? Don't throw people's names out there like that. Though I do recommend Hope for this instance, but not forever. Co-Writing should be only to help the original author get a handle on how to write well, then see if he can stand on his own two feet.
no but he hasnt been helping and and he has not been coming on plus he nver replys to my messages
(May. 19, 2011  10:32 AM)storm pegusas5 Wrote: hope no take it back your a way better writer than me
next will be tommorow and plus hope is my new editer
Chapter 2 the clash
I went home after I lost and thought about that mysterious man that looked at me I kept on telling my self not to worry about him and that I will never see him again after I ate dinner I went straight to bed and before I knew I was asleep then in my dream it was a dark and it seemed like their was nothing here then I saw a big figure it was coming closer and closer then he looked down at me and said I think you are ready”” “what the hell are you talking about man, I don’t even know you” replied john ”you do I was their watching over you for a long time and I come to give you this but only if you beat me in a battle with this bey Aqua Ketoss!!!”
Longest run-on-sentence ever. PLEASE QUIT.
To be blunt, he's right. Do not write until you polish up on your skills, which seem to be non-existent.