The Battle Within: Darkness Consumes; A BeyStory

First of all, I wanna say a couple of things. I want to thank Bunnii2165 for his Writer's Handbook; it was very useful in the writing of this story. This is my first story, so it's rough around the edges. I acknowledge that. I also know something you guys will probably hate very much...that it's a bunch of words with no action XD I know. There's one battle scene and it's not even that well described, but I have my reasons. Remember, everything has a start. This is only the start, there's more to come and I promise, more beybattles. Everytime I make a new chapter, I'll post it in the OP. And with no further ado...


Chapter 1: The Story of a Boy named Lozen (Click to View)
Chapter 2: The Other Side of Me (Click to View)
This is actually a very good start to a story, and I like how it ends with suspense.
(Jul. 14, 2011  12:56 AM)Vintage Wrote: This is actually a very good start to a story, and I like how it ends with suspense.

Weee! Thanks Grin
"I was hanging out" "It was time". Pretty drastic change, there. Might wanna add some transition sentences...
(Jul. 14, 2011  1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote: "I was hanging out" "It was time". Pretty drastic change, there. Might wanna add some transition sentences...

Altered it. Better?
(Jul. 14, 2011  1:32 AM)GPerseus Master Wrote:
(Jul. 14, 2011  1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote: "I was hanging out" "It was time". Pretty drastic change, there. Might wanna add some transition sentences...

Altered it. Better?
It still doesn't feel exactly right, but it's much better. Reread your work and do that wherever else you feel it doesn't flow.
(Jul. 14, 2011  1:36 AM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jul. 14, 2011  1:32 AM)GPerseus Master Wrote:
(Jul. 14, 2011  1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote: "I was hanging out" "It was time". Pretty drastic change, there. Might wanna add some transition sentences...

Altered it. Better?
It still doesn't feel exactly right, but it's much better. Reread your work and do that wherever else you feel it doesn't flow.

Alright thanks. Tip taken Grin
sparta... if you've made the review can u please PM it to me.
(Jul. 13, 2011  11:39 PM)DrigerS Master Wrote: I want to thank Bunnii2165 for his Writer's Handbook
your welcome
Sorry I haven't done the story..haven't been feeling it lately. I'll have another chapter up in a few; I'll try to keep up on it.
This is in deed a good story...

Anyway The start is very good. I am not good at writing but i do know when i see a good sor and this has a very good start.
(Aug. 05, 2011  2:41 AM)Fyurity Wrote: This is in deed a good story...

Anyway The start is very good. I am not good at writing but i do know when i see a good sor and this has a very good start.

Thanks Grin the second chapter should be even better. I took Sparta's tips. Well, I tried to. Lol; you'll see :p
Second chapter up!
Not bad, dude. Not too shabby. I actually read it through. Twice. Not something that happens often, mind you. You should be proud of yourself. (Well, we now know who's gonna be one of the next good writers here.)
I'm done reviewing it. You'll really like your review, man. I have almost no complaints.
(Aug. 05, 2011  4:34 AM)Temporal Wrote: Not bad, dude. Not too shabby. I actually read it through. Twice. Not something that happens often, mind you. You should be proud of yourself. (Well, we now know who's gonna be one of the next good writers here.)
I'm done reviewing it. You'll really like your review, man. I have almost no complaints.

Woahhh. Epic! Thanks, Temporal! That's great to hear, being this my first time ever writing a story.
Yeah, very few people get a stamp of approval from me, but you definitely deserve one. My review has one tip for you, it's in the spoiler at the end. You'll see it soon.
Thanks a lot Grin I'm waiting in anticipation. I don't know how long I can wait Pinching_eyes_2