I first want to apologize for any previous failures and I really hope to do better and even if I fail now I'll keep trying., Anyway lets begin.

By the way the story has a bit of a slow beginning but soon gets better.

Chapter 1
It was a cold winter day. Thousands of people stood in a crowd waving as a colorful parade passed celebrating the new year in Osaka, Japan. The parade was full of colors, pinks, blues, yellowes oranges, reds and greens, it was my favorite time of the year. Soon the WBBA float passed by it featured two very popular bladers battling eachother, and i must say it was quite the show as sparks exploded from the stadium while the two beys were locked in combat.
"Fai!!" Yelled a dark-blue haired girl walking towards me, her arms full of candy, and her large amber eyes filled with excitement as they reflected the colors from the parade. She was followed by a tall black haired boy. They both had smiles on their faces.
"Hey Yura, hey Haru" I replied smiling. These two were my best friends. Yura was about 5'5 with long Dark-Blue hair, large amber eyes, and light tan skin. Haru was about 5'7 with short, spiky, black hair, tan skin, and Ice-blue eyes. I was about 5'11 with long, brownish-blonde hair, green eyes, and had light colored skin, which wasn't very common in japan. We were all about 15 years old.
I snached a piece of candy from Yura.
"Hey!!" protested an annoyed Yura unable to fight back because her arms were full of candy. Haru and I eventually made a game of stealing candy from Yura, who was usually too hyper anyway. In the end all three of us each had a wad of cotton candy on a stick.
"Happy new year guys" I said happily, sticking my wand of cotton candy in the air.
"Right back at ya" Replied both of them, simultaneously repeating the action. Then we each took a bite of our cotton candy to a happy new year. At the end of the night I said goodbye to my friends and began to walk home. It was a fairly long walk of about 5 miles. An ice-cold breeze blew past me so I jammed my hands into my pocket and continued walking. Not to long after i began walking it began to snow. It was a light snowfall at first, but then soon became a snowstorm as i was pelted by ice and snow. As i continued trudging through the snow, I noticed a light coming from the pond at the park. As if drawn by it, I walked towards it in what felt like a dream. I as I came closer I saw that the light was coming from the center of the pond, it was silver-blue in color. Without thinking I dived in to the pond. I felt the freezing cold shoot up my body, it felt like being stabbed by a thousand needles. I quickly swam towards the source of the light and once I got a closer look I saw that it was a bey I reached for it, and as soon as I grabbed it i felt the numbness set into my body slowly at first, but it quickly spread over my body. I was too tired to panic, too tired to even move. My only thought was, "Great I get to start the new year by drowning". I laughed at myself for having such a lame thought then blacked out.

Please give me some feedback so I may improve myself

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Chapter 2 will be up soon so please vote, comment, and let me know what ya think

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Better than your other two, but the grammar still isn't that good. There are too many missing commas, and you start one sentence with "Yura and me..." It is supposed to be "Yura and I". Eh, mediocre.

K ill revise it when I get the chance is the idea any good? That's what I'm worried about most poor grammar and spelling can be fixed but a bad idea is something else entirely

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I can't really catch anything on the idea as of now. Actually, the worst thing to have is a bad character. It's fixable, but nobody will care once you do.

Ok thanks for the advice

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I have to say that you should't use too many Hey's.
Also, there is something wrong with your sig,
It should be my story, not my stories, because you have one one story writing.

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Let the wings of hope spread to the whole world!

New story :
http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Yoku-s-s...ary-Hereos

He had three, but stories one and two were just terrible. Anyway, while the informal language endears a character to the reader, don't overdo it, unless that's a trait of said character. Then it's okay.

It is fine I guess.....but there are no commas and I see I's in small letter case.

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"You want something to happen? Make it happen."
[Novel] The Andromeda Files : The End Of Eternity

OK thank you for all of the feedback chapter 2 should come out much better once I'm finished revising both it and chapter 1

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Chapter 1 part 2

I felt myself sinking in darkness and I wondered, "Is this death?". I felt cold and alone, but I didn't feel afraid. Then I saw a light piercing the darkness, and even though it felt like a sort of cliche, I went towards it thinking that anything had to be better than sitting in the dark. As I grew closer to the light, it intensified and then dimmed. After my eyes adjusted a saw what appeared to be a white stag with long golden horns. Of course the first thing I asked was "Are you God?".
"No" replied the Stag.
"My name is Cervini" said the Stag. (Note Cervini is the Latin word for stag)
"Am I dead?" I asked, staring in awe at Cervini
"No" replied Cervini
"Then why am I here?" I asked.
"I don't know" replied Cervini. "You must go now" said Cervini. Then the Stag ran me through with his golden horns and then I was in my bed at home. My mom and dad were standing above me.
"He's awake!!" exclaimed my mother rushing to hug me. "Wait!" commanded my father holding his hand out to stop my m,other. "Fai can you hear me?" asked my Dad.
"Yea I can hear you" I replied. I tried to sit up but that was a huge mistake, as soon as I sat up a searing pain shot up into my head and I instantly fell back down. "What happened?" I asked.
"We found you lying down by the pond, soaking wet, with this in you're hand" said my Father holding a bey in his hand, but it wasn't any of the beys I owned. It had a translucen,t ice blue energy ring shaped like a stags antlers, with gold highlights at the tips, and a fusion wheel that resembled a reversed galaxy wheel with curved horn-like spikes protruding from it. The bey also had the W105 spin-track and the Wide flat performance tip. I then noticed the facebolt it depicted an image of a stag in profile, it was white with golden horns, and I instantly knew that it was Cervini, Point Cervini W105WF. With that realization, I went back to sleep
One week later
"Go Poison Unicorno!" Shouted Yura as her bey shot towards Haru's Earth Gasher.
As always Yura and Haru were competing to see who was the better blader, they were always so competitive. Yura's Unicorno shot towards Gasher at full speed, and even though Unicorno had a strong attack, Gasher's defense wasn't letting up. The stadium lit up with sparks as the beys collided Unicorno was dashing around everywhere striking Gasher with each movement, but Gasher wouldn't budge until finally Unicorno was able to drive Gasher up the slope of the stadium and cause a stadium out, sending the bey flying towards Haru. "Haha!, I win again!" yelled Yura basking in the nonexistent glory of her 20th victory against Haru today. "Fai why don't you battle me!, Haru is too boring" Shouted Yura sticking her tongue out at Haru. "Hey!" yelled Haru in protest. "Ok, just a sec!" I shouted back running over to the stadium. It was our favorite stadium because nobody else ever came here since the new bey park opened up a few years back, after fixing it up, the stadium was as good as new, and a perfect place to battle without distraction. I stood on the edge of the large stadium opposite of Yura, I attached Cervini to my launcher and waited to start the countdown. "3...2..1.. Let it Rip!!" we both shouted as we launched our beys into the stadium. I felt kinda nervous because this was my first time using the bey. Both beys circled eachother at high speed since they were both attack types. "Go Cervini!!" I shouted, following my command Cervini attacked Unicorno sending it flying up into the air, but Unicorno landed safely near the edge of the stadium. "I can tell that I can't play around with a bey like that said Yura" the gaze on her face reminded me of a jungle cat ready to pounce. Without a word from Yura Unicorno shot towards Cervini, and when it hit the sheer force of the attack caused dust to fly into the air. Yura's Unicorno was known for its heavy attack power. I was sure that Cervini was done for, but when the dust settled, I saw that Cervini was still spinning! Without hesitation Yura made her next move. "Special Move!! Poision Horn Strike!!" shouted Yura. The bey surrounded itself with a purple aura, and shot forward faster than normally possible for a bey, having seen this move before I knew that the bey would deal a heavy blow to send my bey flying. That's when it struck me. "Special Move!! Blizzard Point!!' I shouted, the bey then surrounded itself with a cold wind of snow and ice and shot towards Unicorno facing the attack head on. When the beys collided Cervini released a compressed blast of ice and snow like a miniature blizzard, sending unicorno flying out of the stadium. I Cervini shot back towards me and with a single swipe I snatched it out of the air with my left hand. I was really beggining to like this new bey.

End of chapter 1 part 2

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