(New Story)Beyblade X Generation(Chapter 15 is up(fixed)

Poll: Tell me the truth! If this story is great

Awesome
45.00%
9
Keep writing it! Its interesting
35.00%
7
Good
10.00%
2
Not bad,needs some more work
10.00%
2
Total: 100% 20 vote(s)
(Sep. 04, 2012  4:09 AM)Beychamp76 Wrote: Nice chapter

Your got an upgrade!so is it good?
(Sep. 04, 2012  1:50 AM)MasterBlader-X Wrote: Here's my Character requset and yeah i want her bey to upgrade.
Name: Cindy Hernadez
How he looks: She has Blade long her, she wear a Red shirt with hearts on it, and black shorts. She wears red shoes and have big rad bow on her head.
PersonalityConfusedhe friendly until you make her mad. She'll do nything to help her friends and nothing can stop when she's determind to do something
Bey: Storm Venus
Special move: Storm Shock- Venus starts clashing into it's opponent with overwellming power, forcing it a stadium out.
Song of Dispper- When Venus is low on power and is about to sleepout, It starts spinning faster and faster and regains it's power.
Upgrade form: Storming Beauty Venus
ok no problemGrin!!!

Tomorrow I will make the next chapter(part 2)and I will add more drawings!
Good story! Although Shirou isn't meant to be that lively. He's meant to hate everybody....Tongue_out_wink
Anyway grammer needs to be fixed I did as much as I could. Capitol letters at the star of a sentance! 4/5!


I did what I could:



"Honey wake up ! Someone its downstairs looking for you!"Max mom say

Max barely awake says "What?Who is looking for me?"

Max mom answers"It's someone name Aiden"

Max replies"Oh Aiden!?!?!?Ok mom I will be down in a second."

Max mom goes downstairs and tells Aiden Max will be down in a minute.Max crawls of his bed and changes cloths,and goes downstairs

"Whats up Aiden?Why are you here?"

Aiden replies"Don't tell me you forgot that today we are training together and testing Iron Bull?"

Max says "Oh no of course not!I can't wait to battle Azhar."

Aiden says "Okay then lets go."

Max says "Mom I will back later i will hangout with my friends for a while!"

Max mom says "Okay honey be careful!"

Max says "Okay mom bye"

Max and Aiden were walking to Jaden house,and they saw the bey park was fixed already!.They finally arrived.

"You guys took too long."Azhar says

Max says "Sorry I was asleep!"

"Okay lets go to the stadiums for the tourney and practice there!There aren't that many people there." Jaden says

Aiden replies"In fact there is no one there!But lets go now!".

The whole gang starts to walk and took a short cut to get to the stadium faster when they saw a new beyshop was going to open tomorrow!They finally arrive,and Max and Azhar got their beyblades ready and someone says

"Stop let me battle instead!"

Azhar responded"What?Who's there?"

The kid says"My name is Shirou I want to battle you. I have heard you got a new bey with a new system,is it true?"

Azhar replies"Yeah its called the X Generation system!Why you ask?"

Shirou replies"Because I have created my own system and I want to test it!"

Azhar says"Ok then lets battle!"

Both bladers got their beys ready 3...2...1...Let It Rip!!!
Jaden took out his laptop to record the battle.
Both beys were battling fiercely when Jaden saw something very different from Shirou bey!They bey had the plastic part on the bottom and the metal on top!And the rest was the same as a normal bey.
Azhar says"You won't beat me!GO NOW BULL!!!MODE CHANGE POUND MODE!"

Shirou responded"Hah that won't help you much!"

Bull metal wheel changed into a position that makes the metal have to separated parts making it look like 2 horns delivering powerful attacks!,but it seems like Shirou bey wasn't been affected much!.

Shirou says"GO NOW ARCHER WOLF!!!SPECIAL MOVE!!!FEARSOME BITE!!!!

Jaden noticed that when he said that Archer wolf spin track open like it had 3 claws.Shirou bey was glowing a crimson red aura specially around the claws.Those claws were about to hit Bull when Azhar said

"GO NOW BULL!!!NEW SPECIAL MOVE!!!DOUBLE HORN STAMPEED!!!"

Both beys clashed and smoke came out...everyone was worried to see who won the battle!.When the smoke cleared Shirou bey was still spinning perfectly!and bull was there just laying on the stadium floor.

"Hah I knew I was going to win! Anyways hey Jaden!I have seen your system in action it isn't that bad!But I have a feeling it has more potential than I would know!You will need to learn how to perfectly control this system!Also my system is called Zero G!And as you have recorded it has different parts!Guess I will see you around very soon!"Shirou said

Max says"Wait up!I want to battle you!"

Shirou replies"Don't worry we will battle soon!Plus I can't wait to battle you either!"

Shirou left without a trace and keenan says in his mind"He seems too familiar I wonder who he is!?!?!?".
(Sep. 18, 2012  7:34 PM)KatnissEverdeen Wrote: Good story! Although Shirou isn't meant to be that lively. He's meant to hate everybody....Tongue_out_wink
Anyway grammer needs to be fixed I did as much as I could. Capitol letters at the star of a sentance! 4/5!


I did what I could:



"Honey wake up ! Someone its downstairs looking for you!"Max mom say

Max barely awake says "What?Who is looking for me?"

Max mom answers"It's someone name Aiden"

Max replies"Oh Aiden!?!?!?Ok mom I will be down in a second."

Max mom goes downstairs and tells Aiden Max will be down in a minute.Max crawls of his bed and changes cloths,and goes downstairs

"Whats up Aiden?Why are you here?"

Aiden replies"Don't tell me you forgot that today we are training together and testing Iron Bull?"

Max says "Oh no of course not!I can't wait to battle Azhar."

Aiden says "Okay then lets go."

Max says "Mom I will back later i will hangout with my friends for a while!"

Max mom says "Okay honey be careful!"

Max says "Okay mom bye"

Max and Aiden were walking to Jaden house,and they saw the bey park was fixed already!.They finally arrived.

"You guys took too long."Azhar says

Max says "Sorry I was asleep!"

"Okay lets go to the stadiums for the tourney and practice there!There aren't that many people there." Jaden says

Aiden replies"In fact there is no one there!But lets go now!".

The whole gang starts to walk and took a short cut to get to the stadium faster when they saw a new beyshop was going to open tomorrow!They finally arrive,and Max and Azhar got their beyblades ready and someone says

"Stop let me battle instead!"

Azhar responded"What?Who's there?"

The kid says"My name is Shirou I want to battle you. I have heard you got a new bey with a new system,is it true?"

Azhar replies"Yeah its called the X Generation system!Why you ask?"

Shirou replies"Because I have created my own system and I want to test it!"

Azhar says"Ok then lets battle!"

Both bladers got their beys ready 3...2...1...Let It Rip!!!
Jaden took out his laptop to record the battle.
Both beys were battling fiercely when Jaden saw something very different from Shirou bey!They bey had the plastic part on the bottom and the metal on top!And the rest was the same as a normal bey.
Azhar says"You won't beat me!GO NOW BULL!!!MODE CHANGE POUND MODE!"

Shirou responded"Hah that won't help you much!"

Bull metal wheel changed into a position that makes the metal have to separated parts making it look like 2 horns delivering powerful attacks!,but it seems like Shirou bey wasn't been affected much!.

Shirou says"GO NOW ARCHER WOLF!!!SPECIAL MOVE!!!FEARSOME BITE!!!!

Jaden noticed that when he said that Archer wolf spin track open like it had 3 claws.Shirou bey was glowing a crimson red aura specially around the claws.Those claws were about to hit Bull when Azhar said

"GO NOW BULL!!!NEW SPECIAL MOVE!!!DOUBLE HORN STAMPEED!!!"

Both beys clashed and smoke came out...everyone was worried to see who won the battle!.When the smoke cleared Shirou bey was still spinning perfectly!and bull was there just laying on the stadium floor.

"Hah I knew I was going to win! Anyways hey Jaden!I have seen your system in action it isn't that bad!But I have a feeling it has more potential than I would know!You will need to learn how to perfectly control this system!Also my system is called Zero G!And as you have recorded it has different parts!Guess I will see you around very soon!"Shirou said

Max says"Wait up!I want to battle you!"

Shirou replies"Don't worry we will battle soon!Plus I can't wait to battle you either!"

Shirou left without a trace and keenan says in his mind"He seems too familiar I wonder who he is!?!?!?".
I know about the errors I was going to fix it today!(at night)also yeah I was meant to make Shirou kind of bad later on the next part.
Oh good. Now you dont have to!

Looking forward to it!
(Sep. 19, 2012  8:32 AM)KatnissEverdeen Wrote: Oh good. Now you dont have to!

Looking forward to it!

Thanks for fixing the chapter for meTongue_out
Your Welcome Smile
Is the next part comming out today?
(Sep. 19, 2012  5:18 PM)KatnissEverdeen Wrote: Your Welcome Smile
Is the next part comming out today?

Maybe later at night(my location nightTongue_out)
Name:Takafumi
Bey:Wing Libra W145ES
Looks:White Jacket,Blue pants,Emo-ish hair(lol),Black eyes,and blue and white gloves
Personaility:Nice,Enraged,and Strong
Special Move:Raging Sprit Slash,Skies of Rage
I know you Pm me an all but you should really post after you finsh a chapter like this:


"Chapter 2 is up!
"

Its awsome anyways! Cute
I have added more details to the last 2 chapters!!!
this is kind of... well terrible. I hate fan fics enough already but i need to be unbiased so...

~ Fix your grammar.
~ Try not to be too cliche
~ Describe scenes a bit more

otherwise, its an interesting idea executed badly, but i can see you have put a lot of work into it ~the drawings are awesome~ so give it a bit of polish and you should be fine. Sorry for spelling i am on a T Hub.
"This is kind of..well terrible." is really mean. The first time I got told I was bad I went and cried to my dad. But then I built it up but I still get my feelings hurt. I know it has bad grammer
but that dosen't give you the right to insult his story meanly. If you have something bad to say say it in the nicest way possible.Or say nothing at all! I love his story. It needs work but still!



(Oh and sparkman123lir can we work together on something just tell me through Pm.)
(Sep. 22, 2012  7:39 PM)KatnissEverdeen Wrote: "This is kind of..well terrible." is really mean. The first time I got told I was bad I went and cried to my dad. But then I built it up but I still get my feelings hurt. I know it has bad grammer
but that dosen't give you the right to insult his story meanly. If you have something bad to say say it in the nicest way possible.Or say nothing at all! I love his story. It needs work but still!



(Oh and sparkman123lir can we work together on something just tell me through Pm.)
If you cannot take criticism, you shouldn't be writing at all. What he is trying to say is it needs work, and he is only trying to help.

(Sep. 22, 2012  7:42 PM)Shirayuki Wrote:
(Sep. 22, 2012  7:39 PM)KatnissEverdeen Wrote: "This is kind of..well terrible." is really mean. The first time I got told I was bad I went and cried to my dad. But then I built it up but I still get my feelings hurt. I know it has bad grammer
but that dosen't give you the right to insult his story meanly. If you have something bad to say say it in the nicest way possible.Or say nothing at all! I love his story. It needs work but still!



(Oh and sparkman123lir can we work together on something just tell me through Pm.)
If you cannot take criticism, you shouldn't be writing at all. What he is trying to say is it needs work, and he is only trying to help.
Yeah I know what he meant I don't take it the wrong way!anyways he is just trying to help make my story better!...also thanks shirayuki for clearing things up!
Sorry, I honestly gave constructive criticism. The only major problem with the story is its grammar which disrupts the flow of reading. Other than that, I genuinely enjoyed your new take on the beyblade genre.


Also guys, I'm a girl...
(Sep. 22, 2012  11:22 PM)The Writer Wrote: Sorry, I honestly gave constructive criticism. The only major problem with the story is its grammar which disrupts the flow of reading. Other than that, I genuinely enjoyed your new take on the beyblade genre.


Also guys, I'm a girl...

What do you mean my new take on beyblade genre?
Most beyblade fan-fics are a Ginkga vsDojii kind of thing... this is refreshingly original...
[quote]
Most beyblade fan-fics are a Ginkga vsDojii kind of thing... this is refreshingly original...
[/q
Of Course this is originalTired!!!I wanted to make it almost nothing like metal fight!you should also read the comments from before!
(Sep. 22, 2012  11:22 PM)The Writer Wrote: Sorry, I honestly gave constructive criticism. The only major problem with the story is its grammar which disrupts the flow of reading. Other than that, I genuinely enjoyed your new take on the beyblade genre.


Also guys, I'm a girl...

That dosn't mean you can say it's terrible. Its is constructive criticism but no need the say it's terrible.

(Sep. 22, 2012  7:42 PM)Shirayuki Wrote: If you cannot take criticism, you shouldn't be writing at all.

When people say that to me I say 'When I get knocked down I get up again, because your never going to keep me down.'

Anyways we are going of topic.
Great story anyways.
(Sep. 23, 2012  10:25 AM)KatnissEverdeen Wrote: When people say that to me I say 'When I get knocked down I get up again, because your never going to keep me down.'

Anyways we are going of topic.

Great. Thats exactly the attitude he will have as well...

You went off topic...

Also if you want to argue further please just PM me and don't spam...
(Please don't PM me though.)