Beyblade, my story (again)

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It's right there
sorry, lots of end of school hw, probably wont finish till summer starts Unhappy
Wow i really havent wrote in a while. anyway, heres the next chapter

"Aden?! ADEN?!" A voice called from outside. "The cereal is in the top truck on the left..." Aden sleepily mumbled. Suddenly a Beyblade was launched through the window and landed by Adens bed. "Todays the tournament! You're gonna be late!!!!!" Allen shouted. "Tournament...? Late....? AHHH THE TOURNAMENT!!!!!!" Aden shot out of bed, grabbed his beyblade ate breakfast and ran outside. Allen was waiting for him. "Sorry! I guess i over slept" Aden said sheepishly. "We still have time but we have to hurry!" Allen quickly said. "Well lets go!" They ran to the tournament arena, signed up and ran inside. "Wow! looks like everyone in town signed up!" Allen said. "Hey look!" Aden suddenly said. "Theres Frank!" "And those two guys with kerbesc and byxis!" "And Blitz!". "Whos Blitz?" Allen asked. "I met him a couple days ago. He's really nice." "THE MATCHUPS ARE NOW ON THE BIG SCREEN!!!!" the announcer said. "LET THE TOURNAMENT....BEGIN!!!!!!!!!"
end of part 1
name: Kazemaru Sytara

bey: Turbine Senpuujin SB145(switch blade)DR (divine roar) x2

special attack: Senpuujin Gaia, where the two beys start chasing each other around and around in the opposite directions, and 2 dust storms start up, but then one of them jumps up on top of the other one and the dust tornados turn into the shape of a 2 headeddragon, which wirls around the stadium in both directions obliterating the ground and chucking any debris into the opponents beys course, it's the ultimate secret with hardly any way of beating it (i say hardly because it wouldn't be fun if it was invincible)

Bio: Kazemaru is a quick witted guy and is generally laid-back, the sort of person who doesn't mind if someone does something bad

(Aug. 24, 2011  10:36 PM)dranzer x13 Wrote: when are you posting your next chapter?

Kinda busy lately but i will try to by next saturday
wowz man, g8e stori! Cn i have a charcter?

name: sesame street

persoonaliti: sesame street is very funni but he is young and he has lots of different friends like elmmo

beyy: oscar thegrouch 100 TC

descriptin: great bey very grouchy bit TC is Trash Can itS a trash lid and hates ppl.

OK, OK. My mocking is over. That's my "put it on lightly" way of saying GET RID OF YOUR GODDAMN CHARACTER REQUESTS!!!

Now, for a review:

1. Your story goes waaaaaaaay to fast. Slow it down by talking about the scenes more. Don't just fly through them, say what fully happens. What does he eat for his breakfast? How did Allen get to his house?

2. Your chapters are about 5 sentences. This one goes with #1

3. Make sure to skip a line when you change the dialogue (As in change who's talking).
Ok thanks for the advice. Ok i'll take your advice. Oscar thegrouch Grin
Keep on writing
You should really try structuring your chapters a bit more. It's all one big block of text, and I don't think many people like trying to follow along in a text block. Space things out, give more details, develop your characters some more.
Ok, well, sorry for the long wait, here's the next chapter-
Aden looked up at the screen.
"multiple battles?" Aden ran to his stadium and got his launcher ready.
"3, 2, 1, let it rip!" 40 beyblades flew into the arena. When they all collided, a few were sent flying. "Eagle! Nosedive attack!" Eagle sent all the beyblades flying.
"that wasnt any fun" Aden mumbled. Once the 8 finalists were decided, Aden checked the screen. He was battling some boy named Timmy.
"whos he?" Aden wondered.
"ok everybody, here in block A is Aden vs. Timmy! In block B, Blitz vs. Jim! In block C, Aden vs. Xeal! And in Block D, Frank and Kazemaru! Let the battles...begin!"
"Let it rip!" 'A Ray Leone huh' Aden thought.
"Now, Ray Roar!" Timmy yelled. The leone beast came out of its blade. It shot a beam of light out of its mouth.
"Dodge Eagle!" Aden shouted. Eagle ran up the stadium wall.
"Nosedive attack!"
"Ray Roar!" The two blades clashed and began to glow. Then a Hawk and a Griffon came flying out of the beyblades.
"Eagle?" Aden whispered.
End of part 1.
"What happened?" Aden looked at the two new beasts clashing above him. All of a sudden, in a huge burst of energy, the two beys flew out of the stadium and into their owners hands. Aden looked at the beyblade in his hand. "Vulcan Hawk D125B. Wow Eagle has evolved!"
"Are you ready?" Timmy called across the stadium.
"Yah!" Aden answered.
"3, 2, 1, Let It Rip!" The two newly evolved blades met in the middle and smashed together. They flew apart and both hit the stadium wall.
"Hang in there Hawk! Wind rush attack!" Aden commanded. Hawk coated itself in a tornado and charged at Griffon. "Dodge it Griffon" Griffon jumped up but was knocked back down by the tornado.
"No! Griffon!" Timmy shouted.
"Charge Hawk!" called Aden. Hawk shot towards Griffon. They hit and Hawk began driving Griffon towards the edge of the stadium.
"Griffon now! Grand Beam attack!" the Griffon beast came out of Timmy's beyblade. It created an immensley large beam of energy and shot it at Hawk. The beam hit.
"No Hawk!" Hawk went flying into the air. When it landed it began to wobble.
"Go Griffon! Finish it off!" Timmy yelled.
"Hawk! Wind rush attack!" the two beyblades collidided in midair. When the dust cleared, Adens beyblade was still spinning but Timmy's was wedged into the stadium.
"Yes! I won!" Aden grabbed Hawk.
"And the winners are- Aden, Blitz, Allen, and Kazemaru! The semi-finals will be coming up shortly!"
Gosh darn it, i havent posted in a long time.

"The semi final battles are up on the screen!" The dj shouted. Aden looked up. He was battling Blitz. He looked at his newly evolved beyblade.
"We can do this Hawk." He whispered.
"Everyone ready? Then lets beyblade!" The dj yelled. Blitz walked slowly to the stadium. He slowly grabbed his blade and attached it to his launcher.
"3, 2, 1, let it rip!!!" Burn Blaze and Vulcan Hawk were flung into the stadium. They stayed still, as if sizing each other up. Blitz made the first move.
"Go now! Burn Blaze!" Burn Blaze charged towards Hawk. They collided and Hawk flew backwards. Hawk hit the stadium wall and bounced back into the stadium.
"Go Hawk! Special move! Vulcan Wing Air Slash!" Hawk sped towards Blaze. It whipped up a mini tornado and Blaze was sucked into it. In a burst of power, Blaze was flung out of the stadium and landed in front of Blitz.
"Thats it! The winner is Aden!"
"We did it Vulcan Hawk" Aden smiled and caught Hawk.
"Next match coming up soon!" The dj shouted.
End of part 1.
Part 2-
"The second semi-final Battle! Allen versus Kazemaru!" Aden looked at the second stadium. Allen was there. Kazemaru walked up to the stadium and pulled out a double launcher! Allen stared at it.
"Uh, well, lets get started!" The dj shouted.
"3, 2, 1, Let it rip!" Grand Dragon and two beys Aden had never seen before landed in the stadium.
"Go! Turbine Senpuujin!" Grand Dragon was flung into the air.
"Now! Senpuujin Gaia!" Kazemaru ordered. The to beys spun around the stadium and a dust storm started up. Then one of the beys jumped on top of the other and the storms merged. A two headed dragon beast came out of the storm and crushed Grand Dragon. When the dust cleared, Grand Dragon was in pieces and Turbine Senpuujin was spinning strong.
"And the winner is, Kazemaru!"
"No! Dragon!" Allen slid into the stadium and picked up the shattered remains of Dragon. As Aden ran towards him, he replayed the battle in his head. Grand Dragon hadnt stood a chance. No one could have, for that matter. How was anyone supposed to beat one bey with that much power much less two!
"We gotta go fix Dragon up at my parents' shop" Aden said.
"Not we, me." Allen said. "You have a battle to win." Aden smiled.
"Thanks" Aden clutched Hawk in his hand.
"And now the final battle! Aden versus Kazemaru!"
"3, 2, 1, Let it rip!"
"Go now! Senpuujin! Special move! Senpuujin Gaia!" There it was. Aden shut his eyes.
"Fly Hawk!" The huge dust cloud engulfed Hawk. Aden was knocked backwards.