(May. 25, 2011  1:32 AM)Light Yagami Wrote: hey guys this is a new story i am writing i hope you like it

Spoiler (Click to View)

Chapter 1

The air smelled of rotting flesh and blood. We were in war, and as I lay in turning on the cold hard mattress I think of my wife who I left behind 6 months ago to go to war with the king.
I tried to get some sleep knowing that tomorrow me and my battalion would have to fight for our lives until reinforcement arrived. But alas I could not sleep. So I decided to take a walk through camp. I stared at the sleeping men wondering if I would ever see them again. “Do not worry they are good and strong men they will survive “said a mysterious voice. I turned around to see my best friend Caleb. He was a tall muscular man with tan skin and hazel eyes. “I know Caleb” I replied. “You should get some sleep” Caleb said. I nodded my head and went back to my tent and fell asleep.


The sunlight shined on my face and I woke up. I realized that I had sleep in. I went out of my tent and asked what was going on. The solider said “the enemy is closing in to our position we are preparing for battle general”. I nodded and grabbed my sword. It was black hieroglyphs on the handle to keep my power controlled. I then started day dreaming about when I was young and there was an accident when I was young and the powers of a demon were transferred to me. For a while after that I was treated as a monster even by own parents they would abuse me and hit me leaving scars and bruise. Until one day I snapped and lost control and killed them. Then the king took me in. he was the only one who treated me nice him and his son Caleb. I snapped out of my flash back and prepared for battle. After I was prepared I gathered I the tropes and headed out to meet the enemy. We met them at the canyon of death. The general of the apposing army said” give up before we kill you”
I shouted with all my heart “ NEVER”. with that I attacked and slash the generals head off. A solider from the apposing army lunged and killed one of my most trusted men. As I saw his head roll to the floor I just exploded in anger and went on a rampage I attacked and slashed and killed any one brave enough to stand in my way and as I saw my on solider falling to the ground motionless and there hot sticky blood splashing on me I could not help but thinking this isn’t war its hell.

plz tell me what you think and anything I can improve in.

(May. 25, 2011  2:12 AM)Light Yagami Wrote: yes and no because i was reading it when i got this the idea of this story. and what do you mean to make less choppy

(May. 25, 2011  2:44 PM)Benjohadi Wrote: nicely written..
but i prefer more description in your introduction...
like yu just mentioned the smell of rooten flesh and blood..perhaps you can include the warmth,windy,rainy??like more description on the place..or night or days..it would be better with more description...
but still..its i nice job..