World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.
Elephant Strife - Printable Version

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+--- Thread: Elephant Strife (/Thread-Elephant-Strife)



Elephant Strife - NoodooSoup - May. 02, 2011

Ok, so I've had this story for a long time, and I'm finally going to post it Grin Since it's pretty late right now, I'm only going to post a prologue, to give you guys some background information. Please critique, I don't want mindless comments or hate remarks. Also, don't just say you hate it because you don't like the topic.

Chapter 1 (Click to View)



RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - Boxy ID - May. 02, 2011

When i saw the title it mislead me to think it was about FF7 but its actually interesting. Keep it up.


RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - NoodooSoup - May. 02, 2011

(May. 02, 2011  4:14 AM)Oath Keeper Wrote: When i saw the title it mislead me to think it was about FF7 but its actually interesting. Keep it up.

Thanks, yeah, I can see where you got confused there but, strife is a word which means "bitter conflict".


RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - Boxy ID - May. 02, 2011

(May. 02, 2011  4:16 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote:
(May. 02, 2011  4:14 AM)Oath Keeper Wrote: When i saw the title it mislead me to think it was about FF7 but its actually interesting. Keep it up.

Thanks, yeah, I can see where you got confused there but, strife is a word which means "bitter conflict".

I know, it sounds like a sort of FF Theme kind of, that is what impressed me. Any idea when Chapter1 will be up?


RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - Kujikato - May. 02, 2011

impressive
great story, though it needs some spice


RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - Xlr8 - May. 02, 2011

nice story keep on going with ur work


RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - NoodooSoup - May. 02, 2011

(May. 02, 2011  12:51 PM)Dracovianauis Wrote: impressive
great story, though it needs some spice

Any specific things I should improve on?


RE: Elephant Strife - NoodooSoup - Jun. 10, 2011

The new chapter is up, guys! Not particularly liking it so much, but I never like my work. This chapter is a FLASHBACK, he's not eight years old in the story, only in this chapter.


RE: Elephant Strife - Kujikato - Jun. 10, 2011

now that has tha spice, good descriptions and dialogue, excellent balance, 9.5/10


RE: Elephant Strife - NoodooSoup - Jun. 10, 2011

Thanks, anything I should remember to fix next time I write the chapter?


RE: Elephant Strife - Kujikato - Jun. 10, 2011

just keep your punctuation on the line (as in keeping it good, i only say 1 or 2 mistakes) and have the blend of description and dialogue balanced like chapter 1


RE: Elephant Strife - Sparta - Jun. 10, 2011

The title reminds me of "elephant strike", and when I first read the prologue, I thought it reminded me of "The Giver".

Even so, I like the idea, and the story. Your descriptions are good, but they are a little...uncanny? Random? I'm not quite sure, but somehow they feel out of place. I wish I could give you a more accurate description, but try to fix that...


RE: Elephant Strife - NoodooSoup - Jun. 10, 2011

(Jun. 10, 2011  8:21 PM)Sparta Wrote: The title reminds me of "elephant strike", and when I first read the prologue, I thought it reminded me of "The Giver".

Even so, I like the idea, and the story. Your descriptions are good, but they are a little...uncanny? Random? I'm not quite sure, but somehow they feel out of place. I wish I could give you a more accurate description, but try to fix that...

I understand where you're coming from when you said it sounded like The Giver Lips_sealed

I'll try to fix the description in the next chapter, maybe even edit the first if I have the motivation. Thanks for the critique though! Grin


RE: Elephant Strife - NightWolf7919 - Jun. 17, 2011

Sounds like what would happen to Jonas' community after he left, or something like that. I'd like to see where this goes.