The Demons Path

Poll: how good is my story

5 stars
33.33%
2
4 stars
66.67%
4
3 stars
0%
0
2 stars
0%
0
1 star
0%
0
Total: 100% 6 vote(s)
hey guys this is a new story i am writing i hope you like it


plz tell me what you think and anything I can improve in.
(May. 25, 2011  1:32 AM)Light Yagami Wrote: hey guys this is a new story i am writing i hope you like it


plz tell me what you think and anything I can improve in.

Wow! At least you're not putting periods in random places anymore. Also, you actually have decent description. I suggest you work on the flow of your story (way too choppy) and character development.

Wait, did you steal my story idea "Dust in the wind?" Partially?
yes and no because i was reading it when i got this the idea of this story. and what do you mean to make less choppy
(May. 25, 2011  2:12 AM)Light Yagami Wrote: yes and no because i was reading it when i got this the idea of this story. and what do you mean to make less choppy

As in:

Do: He turned towards me, and I could smell his flesh. He smiled, and suddenly, he attacked.

Don't: He turned. I could smell his flesh. He smiled. He attacked me.

Use transition words and commas.
ah okay thank you very much
However, short choppy sentences can provide tension when used correctly, Sparta. Making a story choppy isn't always bad if they are little things that don't require much description.
Anyway it is a good story.
Ok,its a good story,yes.but i notice everything lost tension on the last paragraph.Bit choppy,but over-all good
i love this story..some of he parts need improvise though. but i love it.
nicely written..
but i prefer more description in your introduction...
like yu just mentioned the smell of rooten flesh and blood..perhaps you can include the warmth,windy,rainy??like more description on the place..or night or days..it would be better with more description...
but still..its i nice job..
(May. 25, 2011  2:44 PM)Benjohadi Wrote: nicely written..
but i prefer more description in your introduction...
like yu just mentioned the smell of rooten flesh and blood..perhaps you can include the warmth,windy,rainy??like more description on the place..or night or days..it would be better with more description...
but still..its i nice job..

what do you meant by adding the description about the weather? it is the smell of rotten human body, that died on that place. if adding the details in the action parts like the head been cut off where the blood comes out from the body like it is raining blood. then it is ok.
something like that dude...adding weather to the intro makes story interesting if you dont know..it is just that the intro seems empty..
yes you're right, adding the weather or the details of the place where the thing happen is also good for introduction.
thanks every body for the advice and i am glad that you like it. i will have the next chapter up sometime this week(i hope)
welcome dude. a good story needs a good praises man. Hopefully the next chapter will come out soon. keep it up man.
it will and thanks alot
i am going to be doing a little contast
the first person to pm me the main charcters name gets to have a charcter in my story
hint: his name starts with an L
EDIT:never mind
seeing as nobody has won yet i am giving you another hint the last letter of his name is o