I never got around to finishing this story and I've deleted it.
[Non-Beyblade Story] Over Your Shoulder
Poll: What do you think of the story?
| Amazing! |
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2 |
| Great! |
|
2 |
| Good |
|
1 |
| Alright |
|
2 |
| Bad |
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0 |
| Total: | 100% | 7 vote(s) |
What is this story about?
![[Image: 2hdvatw.png]](https://i64.tinypic.com/2hdvatw.png)
Its okay. Its good in it's own rights but it's not something I'd check out often but keep it going, it's got huge potential!
(Nov. 30, 2014 10:12 PM)JinbeeTheShark Wrote: What is this story about?I gave a vague description in the OP under the title, and in the note. Basically it's about war told from the perspective of a fifteen year old "farm boy."
(Nov. 30, 2014 10:14 PM)~Pharmist~ Wrote: Its okay. Its good in it's own rights but it's not something I'd check out often but keep it going, it's got huge potential!Just out of curiosity, how do you think I could improve the story?
Also, there are like five votes already and I just posted this. If people could actually read the story before voting, that'd be great.
(Nov. 30, 2014 10:15 PM)Dual Wrote:Here's the thing, never make a vote system till the whole series is completed, as people may change their minds as no-one has seen the whole thing through.(Nov. 30, 2014 10:12 PM)JinbeeTheShark Wrote: What is this story about?I gave a vague description in the OP under the title, and in the note. Basically it's about war told from the perspective of a fifteen year old "farm boy."
(Nov. 30, 2014 10:14 PM)~Pharmist~ Wrote: Its okay. Its good in it's own rights but it's not something I'd check out often but keep it going, it's got huge potential!Just out of curiosity, how do you think I could improve the story?
Also, there are like five votes already and I just posted this. If people could actually read the story before voting, that'd be great.
(Nov. 30, 2014 10:15 PM)Dual Wrote:(Nov. 30, 2014 10:12 PM)JinbeeTheShark Wrote: What is this story about?I gave a vague description in the OP under the title, and in the note. Basically it's about war told from the perspective of a fifteen year old "farm boy."
(Nov. 30, 2014 10:14 PM)~Pharmist~ Wrote: Its okay. Its good in it's own rights but it's not something I'd check out often but keep it going, it's got huge potential!Just out of curiosity, how do you think I could improve the story?
Also, there are like five votes already and I just posted this. If people could actually read the story before voting, that'd be great.
Try describing what country or which people the protagonist is fighting for and why he is fighting. This is very well written so I might regret giving it the Alright rating.
Jinbee In hindsight, I probably should have done that, haha.
@Pharmacist The introduction was meant to be vague, and the story as a whole will be fuzzy as to who he is fighting for. That way, I don't have to do extensive research on the kinds of guns, vehicles, etc. that army used, and I can focus on the psychological aspect of war. As for why they are fighting, that will become clear as the story progresses.
@Pharmacist The introduction was meant to be vague, and the story as a whole will be fuzzy as to who he is fighting for. That way, I don't have to do extensive research on the kinds of guns, vehicles, etc. that army used, and I can focus on the psychological aspect of war. As for why they are fighting, that will become clear as the story progresses.
(Nov. 30, 2014 10:27 PM)Dual Wrote: Jinbee In hindsight, I probably should have done that, haha.
@Pharmacist The introduction was meant to be vague, and the story as a whole will be fuzzy as to who he is fighting for. That way, I don't have to do extensive research on the kinds of guns, vehicles, etc. that army used, and I can focus on the psychological aspect of war. As for why they are fighting, that will become clear as the story progresses.
Ah, I see. Well I think this should be fine then.
(Nov. 30, 2014 10:27 PM)Dual Wrote: Jinbee In hindsight, I probably should have done that, haha.
@Pharmacist The introduction was meant to be vague, and the story as a whole will be fuzzy as to who he is fighting for. That way, I don't have to do extensive research on the kinds of guns, vehicles, etc. that army used, and I can focus on the psychological aspect of war. As for why they are fighting, that will become clear as the story progresses.
Well I was pretty stupid for voting too quickly before realising that, but now you know why I never make a vote system for my series, as it's not completed even one series.
Chapter 1 is up! Still doing technical stuff, building up characters, setting, et cetera, but it should pick up soon!
I don't recommend making it modern war, since this thread could turn into a debate room, too many questions would be ask, political subjects would come in, etc.
Perhaps Leaves things vague, but leave smalls hints to the time in history/reason/climate for the war ( maybe make it a border war? Simple and doesn't need a whole lot of explaining in the story).
Pre-post edit: started reading chap 1 and there already seems to be mentions of the borders
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Perhaps Leaves things vague, but leave smalls hints to the time in history/reason/climate for the war ( maybe make it a border war? Simple and doesn't need a whole lot of explaining in the story).
Pre-post edit: started reading chap 1 and there already seems to be mentions of the borders
.
![[Image: f759d58.gif]](https://i.imgsafe.org/f759d58.gif)
![[Image: rcFJUxo.png]](https://i.imgur.com/rcFJUxo.png)
This is no way a modern war, more of a WWI type. I purposely am leaving countries and other facts vague for that reason, plus I want to focus more on the psychological aspect, as I mentioned.
Yes, countries have borders. All of them. I don't see a problem?
Yes, countries have borders. All of them. I don't see a problem?
(Dec. 02, 2014 11:16 PM)Dual Wrote: This is no way a modern war, more of a WWI type. I purposely am leaving countries and other facts vague for that reason, plus I want to focus more on the psychological aspect, as I mentioned.i thought so. I know, but you could atleast leave hints to what's going on, to keep things interesting. Just my opinion though.
Yes, countries have borders. All of them. I don't see a problem?
I meant border problems. Since you said they were penetrating country #1's borders.
I will drop hints as to causes of the war, but not as to what country it is (I don't even have specific countries in mind), so as not to create any controversy.
Well I don't see how else an opposing force could invade a country, save crossing its borders.
Well I don't see how else an opposing force could invade a country, save crossing its borders.
(Dec. 02, 2014 11:27 PM)Dual Wrote: I will drop hints as to causes of the war, but not as to what country it is (I don't even have specific countries in mind), so as not to create any controversy.thats what I meant... About how to prevent controversy and stuff in my first post...
Well I don't see how else an opposing force could invade a country, save crossing its borders.
Germany didn't have ground forces in the main British island/or I guess they might consider it the mainland when they blitzkreig-ed them... I was assuming it was a neighboring country (although yes, I know it could have been foreign forces using a neighboring country.).
So far, looks great. I think the tone could be a but deeper, but still solid as is. And the scenerey could be touched on slightly. Still pretty good though.
Also, In Chapter 1, 'jist' should be gist.
Also, In Chapter 1, 'jist' should be gist.
Changed the error, thank you for pointing that out.
Thanks for the feedback! What do you mean by a deeper tone, though?
Thanks for the feedback! What do you mean by a deeper tone, though?
Like their going off to war, it should be more serious.
I'm not sure if this is exactly what you're talking about, but here's what I'm going for.
These are all fairly inexperienced, rural people who don't know much about the war (some know a bit, but that's it), and they don't completely understand the seriousness of it, but they will once they get thrown into combat. But I will try to make the tone more serious.
These are all fairly inexperienced, rural people who don't know much about the war (some know a bit, but that's it), and they don't completely understand the seriousness of it, but they will once they get thrown into combat. But I will try to make the tone more serious.
THis is VERY good so far. The description is good, and I think once it's done I will definitely vote. It'll take me a bit to check and stay up to date FULLY as I have my own series going on and responsibilities educationally, but i will try to keep as updated as possible! This has lots of potential! Only had time to read the Intro though...
Thank you for the feedback!
Chapter 2 is up, by the way.
Chapter 2 is up, by the way.
Chapter 3 is up, sorry, it's fairly short.