Neverwinter Nights (Thanks to Xyo for the title...LOL)

This story's plot is sort of based on J.K Rowling's Harry Potter. This is written by me, edited by SwiftShadow and Izuma and checked by DX and Zed.
EDIT: Now also edited by Xyo.

Prologue
Chapter 1


We do not take any requests yet however we might need some in the future. Every chapter has 2 parts to keep you satisfied. Grin
Well,nice.
However there is some typical errors,
such as:

He, again ,thrusted his sword , but then again,he avoided the deathly attack.
(was is not needed here,and you can add deathly to strength up the attack force,which we can imagine it.
Also,is thrusted really exist?)

"What is happening to me?" he cried.
(he and said were sticked together,and cried was better than said.)

"Bwahahahahahahaha!" he laughed maniacally like insane ,or Saturn came from hell.
His evil,mendacious laugh seemed to echo through the whole street.
(Well,i think this will be better.)

Besides these, the characters are not clear enough.

But overall,this story is excellent.
(Jun. 22, 2011  2:31 PM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: Well,nice.
However there is some typical errors,
such as:

He, again ,thrusted his sword , but then again,he avoided the deathly attack.
(was is not needed here,and you can add deathly to strength up the attack force,which we can imagine it.
Also,is thrusted really exist?)

"What is happening to me?" he cried.
(he and said were sticked together,and cried was better than said.)

"Bwahahahahahahaha!" he laughed maniacally like insane ,or Saturn came from hell.
His evil,mendacious laugh seemed to echo through the whole street.
(Well,i think this will be better.)

Besides these, the characters are not clear enough.

But overall,this story is excellent.
Oh...Sorry for that. Also that "thrusted" and "hesaid" were wrong. Will Edit. Also about the clearness of the characters....It is a prologue and its a...wait. Why am I saying this?
the ending isnt conclusive. try something like this at the end
"He fell to the ground. The battle had begun."
also start a new line when a new character speaks. the last paragraph is very confusing
instead of saw/see all the time use noticed or glanced at

other than these its a thumbs up
(Jun. 23, 2011  1:44 PM)sonicsora123 Wrote: the ending isnt conclusive. try something like this at the end
"He fell to the ground. The battle had begun."
also start a new line when a new character speaks. the last paragraph is very confusing
instead of saw/see all the time use noticed or glanced at

other than these its a thumbs up
Because it isn't a battle that's why...........WHY AM I SAYING ALL OF THESE DETAILS?!
(Jun. 23, 2011  2:32 PM)BeybladerPotter Wrote:
(Jun. 23, 2011  1:44 PM)sonicsora123 Wrote: the ending isnt conclusive. try something like this at the end
"He fell to the ground. The battle had begun."
also start a new line when a new character speaks. the last paragraph is very confusing
instead of saw/see all the time use noticed or glanced at

other than these its a thumbs up
Because it isn't a battle that's why...........WHY AM I SAYING ALL OF THESE DETAILS?!

its great we don't have classes tom..(or is it just me?)

anyways, when do you think we can accept character requests?
We'll accept when it is time they go to the!!!! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER BP! STOP GIVING DETAILS! *punches herself*
Saying details are not bad.
If we don't understand the dialog and you can help us to explain it,
We will watch this story happily .
Ok fine. This isn't a battle because this is a flashback and I will accept charaters when they go to "school". Hehehehe. Grin.
Chapter 1 Part 1 (Note: Every chapter has 2 parts to keep you satisfied. Grin)


The pale man was still laughing maniacally when suddenly everything became blurry. The man was still laughing when everything came back to sense. It was a dream. But who’s dream? In a faraway place, a boy named Ken Blitz, had woken up from his strange dream. “What was that all about? I don’t even know those people!” he thought. He stared off to space a little longer and shrugged while saying, “Oh well” with a just-ignore-it tone. Just when he was about to get up, he heard two voices yelling which he recognized as his “dreadful” uncle and aunt. They were yelling about their food, which was very common for Blitz to hear.

He just let out a heavy sigh and got up and changed as slowly as he could. He didn’t want to appear before his uncle and aunt, the yelling would have shifted to him. He had enough of their yelling. Once, his cousin, Squelo, took his bike during the summer. Well, it may seem like nothing, but because of Squelo’s enormous weight that was comparable to a giant’s, it broke. When he found out, he was very upset because that was a thing he had saved up by cleaning and helping in school. He didn’t know why but when he was upset at that time, weird things happened. Like when he was washing the mugs, all of them shattered into dust like nothing when he touched them. His uncle found out and got mad at him, as always, but then, his mustache suddenly disappeared. That doubled it. He was locked down in his “room," which was more like a storage room with all of Squelo’s old stuff and his Uncle Jed’s figurine collection which he had completed and so he didn’t care. The only thing he was interested in was a figurine soldier he found on a desk while he was cleaning.

He then walked out of his “room” and he ate his breakfast silently, but fast. Really, really fast like there was no tomorrow. He wasn’t noticed by his cousin; aunt and uncle who had just stop yelling and were now watching the television. He sneaked back into his room and laid down on the bed again. He was trying to recall the dream he had a while ago. He tried and tried, but nothing happened. He couldn’t hold on to the memory. It had faded away like dirt on the floor swept by a broom. Days passed and nothing was unusual. No more dreams for Blitz and no more weird stuff. But during Blitz’s 11th birthday….
How come you refer to him as Ken Blitz at first, but then go on to just call him Blitz?
Ken Blitz is his full name...I just write it Blitz. Just like in some books like Harry Potter. In some parts, he is called Harry then in others he is Potter.
Dividing A chapter into several parts is annoying.
i would like to check it also because 1 it has potential to be a novel XD and 2 almost all of you guys are sig makers :p
EDIT: how about Neverwinter Nights?
We really are all...dude. "Swifty" knows how to. Tongue_out
Sending Part 2 Chp. 1 to editors...
EDIT: Hm...The Title sounds good..
There are a lot of errors and it just doesnt seem to flow for me.
Needs to be edited heaps more.
I will try to do it...Shrimp...SDC got the bandwidth-thingy........'Gonna make my own sig and avi now.