Katsuya's Story~ Series 1~ G-Force

Poll: Do You like my Stories

Yes Your Good
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11
Its Ok Just do a little better
25.00%
4
Not The Best
6.25%
1
Total: 100% 16 vote(s)
Series:1~Chapter:4
Focus on Akira
Setting: Beypit
New in It: Izuma Inzori, Sonai Inzori, Hatachi Inzori, Rez Inzori, Andrew Trinogami

(Akira, Ayumi, and Horigu are talking about their beys and Akira gets a Idea.)

"Hey Ayumi I'm thinking we should start a Group and work together." Akira said. "That would be a good idea!" Akira said cheerfully. "But if we do we need to get more members." Horigu said. "Yeah thats true but who?" Akira asked. "I dont know." "Hey haven't you ever thought beyblade is more than just a Game." Horigu asked. "Of course not!" Akira laughed. "You should listen to your friend pal." Four people appeared in the Beypit. The one who spoke was the Tallest and they all had on the same Clothing but different colours. "I'm Izuma Inzori and this is My bey Silent Samurai." "Whats Up I'm Sonai Inzori and this is my bey Hydro Narwhale." "Hello I'm Hatachi Inzori, and My bey is Electric Berserker." "And I'm Rez Inzori, My bey is Magma Saurian." "We are the Inzori Group." "Uhh Hey I'm Akira said confused What did you mean "I should listen to your friend." Akira asked. "1 Word beyspirit You must trust your Bey." "I'm confused." Akira said "I thought beyblade was just a Game." "No its more than just a game you see you Must build trust between you and your bey which is Called Blader Spirit." The more trust you gain With your beyblade the more power you both Biuld up." "Thats what I was talikng about Akira." Horigu said. Akira looks at Meteo L Drago. "This all sounds so true But aren't there a lot of people who dont have Blader Sprit?" Akira Asked. "Yeah Like him.." Izuma said. "Who?" Akira asked. "His name is Ryo he Plans to destroy everyones bey and control the world." "Thats terrible!" Ayumi added. "I Want to destroy his Beyblade so much!" Sonai said Angrily. "Calm down Sonai" Izuma said. "Right" Sonai said. "What you need to do is to form a Group to stop Him and take down the other 4 People he comands." Izuma Added. "We can do that but we need 2 more people." Horigu said. "But who?" Ayumi asked. "Well if you want to take him down form a group." Hatachi said. "And dont worry we'll help out if things get too rough!" Rez said. "And also try out this tournament." Izuma said. He pulls out a poster and puts it on the table it says... Bladers get Ready for this... The Galactic Tournament! This tourney is going to be Super EXPLOSIVE With beys flying around Clashing together Make sure to go to Worldbeyblade.org for more details and enter! "Were planning to go" Hatachi said. "I Know I'm in!" Horigu siad. "I guess Since it will be So Awesome!" Akira said. "I Cant go I dont have a beyblade of my own." Ayumi siad Depressed. "It's alright Ayumi you will get your beyblade some day." "Yeah your right." Akira said. "Alright lets go practice Horigu!" Akira said. "Yeah!" Horigu screamed. They both ran outside and the other 5 following along.

Somewhere else....

"I'm tired of you!" Just go down!"........ "Hmph I Made a mistake battling you." "Your Pathetic and Weak like all bladers." "I'm tired of you dising me lets go Andrew!" "Yeah!" 3, 2, 1 Let it Rip! All 3 of them shoot there beys 2 of them go against one. "GO!" Both of the beys hit the one but its not enough power so it blows them both of. "Not good enough!" A Creature comes out of the Facebolt and strikes both of them. "No!" One of the boy screams. "Hurry Galaxy Gil Galactic Tail Whip." "Not fast enough!" The single bey knocks it off before it does its Special Move. Then the Bit-Beast Charges at both of theirs and their is a Huge Explosion. "Not Strong Enough."

The End
End of Chapter 4
Next:Galactic Practice
Next new in it: Iakou and Sasuke
Cool ^^
(Jun. 21, 2011  7:17 PM)Iakou Wrote: Cool ^^
Thank youCute I tried to write a Lot. Your person is next.
Hurray
im liking this Smile Sonai is sooo like my Evil twin sis
Can you put my character his name is Kenchi Ayatome
His bey is NovaCardinal145ES
Kenchi's pesonality is:Not so nice,he doesn't like to take orders from anyone,he's a very strong blader,and he'll do anything to win against anyone.
Age:13
The discription of NovaCardinal is:He is abird like beyblade and was born from nova hot lava (he's a stamina type).
Special Move:Nova Spiral Wing Strike,Metal Lava Claw Smash
And Sasuke is a bad guy
(Jun. 22, 2011  8:58 PM)Sasuke Akatsuki Wrote: Can you put my character his name is Sasuke Ayatome
His bey is NovaDraco145ES
Sasuke's pesonality is:Not so nice,he doesn't like to take orders from anyone,he is a strong blader,and he'll do anything to win against a good guy.
The discription of NovaDraco is:He is a dragon like beyblade and was born from nova hot lava (he's a stamina type).
Special Move:Nova Spiral Dragon Strike, Nova Spiral Dragon Evasion
And Sasuke is a bad guy
I already got your PM Your in the next one.
oh just had to make sure.Smile
Ichigo means Strawberry in japanese.
When are you gonna make the another one I can't stop smiling. Smile
(Jun. 24, 2011  2:57 AM)NileFan22 Wrote: When are you gonna make the another one I can't stop smiling. Smile
Soon Maybe Tommorow
Can you put my character in???

His name is Chance Atakami
His bey is Light Akuma R145RF
Personality: Nice Kid, gets serious about beyblades but otherwise a Jack of all Trades... he is seeking to avenge his family.
His bey Looks like a mix between Pegasus, Meteo L-Drago and Gravity Perseus. His dad gave it to him.
Special Move: Light Strike Death Bite. (ooh rhymes!)

if you need any more info read my story The New Dawn (i made it before this story was out so dont accuse me of copying, its not finished, and the link is in my sig) Cheers!
(Jun. 24, 2011  3:05 AM)Bunnii2165 Wrote: Can you put my character in???

His name is Chance Atakami
His bey is Light Akuma R145RF
Personality: Nice Kid, gets serious about beyblades but otherwise a Jack of all Trades... he is seeking to avenge his family.
His bey Looks like a mix between Pegasus, Meteo L-Drago and Gravity Perseus. His dad gave it to him.
Special Move: Light Strike Death Bite. (ooh rhymes!)

if you need any more info read my story The New Dawn (i made it before this story was out so dont accuse me of copying, its not finished, and the link is in my sig) Cheers!
Ok your in but probaly going in At Chapter 6 so I Have to make Chapter 5 tommorow. Dont worry I Wont accuse youTongue_out_wink
Which l would be better for a theme song for this story: MFB theme song Galaxy Heart or Bleach Opening 9
Your story is all banter. "He asked, he said, he said, he said, he said...." Try to describe things and CUT DOWN ON THE DIALOGUE Joyful_2
(Jun. 26, 2011  3:51 PM)Sparta Wrote: Your story is all banter. "He asked, he said, he said, he said, he said...." Try to describe things and CUT DOWN ON THE DIALOGUE Joyful_2
Thanks Sparta! Sorry guys for not Writing on Friday I Had to work a lot and practice for the tournament Yesterday. But I Still lostUnhappy
@Nilefan22: The Bleach opening sounds cool. I Might look for others to put in the beggining. I Dont Know
Sorry For the Wait!
Opening!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbryqYlFUdU Listen to it During the Battle Scenes!
Series~1 Chapter~5


Ayumi and Horigu are walking in A Valley searching for A Bey for Ayumi.

"How long have we been Gone?" Horigu asked. "1 Hour." "I'm tired can I Go hom... "No!" "You said you will help me!" "Fine." Horigu said Depressed. "What's that?" They see something glowing and it looked like a Beyblade. They walked towards it. "It's a Beyblade!" Ayumi said Cheerfully. "Awesome what type is it?" "It's A Stamina.. Aquatic Eel145ES!" Aquatic is a Smooth wheel like Burn. And Eel has two Different sides. One with sharp edges and the Other with a Rising Surface. "That bey is a Peice of Garbage!" A Boy appeared And had a bey Next to him. "This is a Real Bey!" He showed his Bey it was Nova Cardinal. "Is that supposed to be A challenge!" Ayumi Yelled. "Let's Battle right now!" Both Bladers started the Countdown. "3, 2, 1 Let It Rip!" Both Beys were launched out at Full Force "Your no match For Cardinal!" "GO Eel!" Aquatic Eel launched itself at Cardinal but it Missed. "Cardinal!" Nova Cardinal Started to glow and A Bit-Beast came out of the Facebolt and It launched itself at Eel doing major Damage. "Now for the Finale!" "Special Move Metal Lava Claw Smash!" Cardinal Glowed with Red Flames and Charged at Eel like a Bird. "Arrghh Eel Dodge it!" Eel dodged fast as it Can and Cardinal missed. "Bad move!" The Bit-Beast came out of Cardinal again and it Flew. "Attack Again!" This time it flew down Aerodynamically With greater Power. "Ayumi Do something" Horigu yelled "Special Move Lightning Tail!" Eel started glowing with yellow Sparks and it ran to where Cardinal was Going to strike and They both clashed Fusing Flames and Sparks. Then the Power is so Great it made a Huge Explosion knocking out Both Beys. "Hmmph you got a Little something." "My name is Sasuke Ayatome" "This isn't Over" Sasuke leaves. Next Time I'll be ready for you Sasuke!"

Scene Two

"Alright I'm ready for the Tournament I Got my Bey ready and ready to kick some..." "You coulden't beat me With my Eyes closed!" Sonai said. "Yeah Whatever!" "So your Were gonna Kick my But were you?" A Boy appered and Had a Bey in his hand. "I'm Iakou and I'm your first opponet in the Tournament." "Yeah Boy I'm going to be the Best Blader in the World!" Akira Yelled. "Well your going to have to get Through me First!" "And dont forget about me!" Izuma added. How about we have a Triple battle to see who is Better!" Yeah let's Go!" Akira, Izuma, And Iakou wnet outside with their Beys. "Ready 3, 2, 1 Go Shoot!" The three Beys Meteo L Drago, Eclipse Draco, And Silent Samurai wre launched out And hit each other With Amazing Power. "Let's get this thing started shall we Special Move Meteor Shock Driver!" Meteo L Drago Started to Jump with Huge Sparks and Charged itself at The two other Beys "Dodge Samurai!" "You to Draco!" The two beys Dodged the Special Move and Meteo L Drago Messed up on it's Special Move and Hit a Tree! "Is that the Best you got Akira!" "Go Draco!" Draco Hit Samurai With Great Power and Knocking it off Balance. "A Surprise attack How could I Not see that coming!" "Samurai No more hiding!" "Show yourself Now!" The Bit-Beats came out of Silent Samurai. A Giant Samurai with two swords crossed like a X On it's Chest Appered "Awake Samurai!" It's Eyes Opened and It let out a Battle Cry. "Nice trick But Awake Draco!" A Huge Dragon came out the Facebolt of Nova Draco It was glowing Red with Flames surrounding it. "Draco Battle Cry!" The huge Dragon Roared and Shot Fire at Samurai. "Block It!" Samurai Blocked it with It's two Swords. "Your Forgetting about me Meteo GO!" L Drago came out of the Face of Meteo L Drago now were talknig Meteo Go!" "Special Move Meteor Destroyer!" MLD Flew up and Charged with it's Tail and Claws. "Bring it Akira Special Move Silent Death!" Samurai Disappered And launched kunais, shurikens and kantanas. "It's part Ninja and Samurai!" "Special Move Final Eclipse!" Draco Jumped into the air And the Sun was covered by an Eclipse. Then It striked by Flying down "GO" All of them Yelled All of the Special Moves Exploded and it Covered the Whole Battle Field sending the Bit-beast back in the Facebolts and Ending the Battle destroying the Spin of the Beys making them all K.O Themselves. The battle has ended. "Good battle Ya'll" With that Iakou picked up His bey and left to Prepare himself for A Better battle at The Tournament.

Next in it: Chance
Cool, i like how my character is, but its eclipse draco, he's white with a black lining. He shoots white fire. Also, for later, a second special move is eclipse stadium. Eclipse draco circles the entire stadium glowing white, and then uses his remaining energy, blasts everything in the circle with black energy.
I'm surprised im gonna be similar to Damian Hart.
Series~1 Chapter~6
Opening! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX7Uq1lhL...re=related
Tournament Day!
New in it: Chance

The people Who registered for the Tournament are linged up And the Host is Telling them the rules.

"Alright Bladers here are the Participants for the tourney!" Akira Shimizu, Horigu, Ayumi Kimura, Chance Atakami, Takeshi Takeda, Izuma Inzori, Sonai Inzori, Iakou, Kenchi Ayatome, Andrew Trinogami, Akashi Inimaki, and a Few more..."I Diden't know Takeshi would be in This tournament." Akira said. "We can finally Battle." "Alright Let's get this thing Going!"

First Round
"First Stadium is Chance Atakami vs. Andrew Trinogami."
"Second Stadium is Akashi Inimaki vs. Horigu."
"Third Stadium is Takeshi Takeda vs. Akira Shimizu."
"Fourth Stadium is Ayumi Kimura vs. Sonai Inzori."

"Alright Bladers Ready!" "3, 2, 1 Let it Rip!!"

Battle: Chance vs. Andrew Battle Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sGziqZHXzY

"Bring it Chance!" "Go Gil!" Galxy Gil Rushed towards Chance's Bey Light Akuma and Knocked him off Balance a Little. "Get your balance Back Akuma and Attack!" Light Akuma Attacked Also but with less Power since He is trying to Save some Stamina for His special Move. "Now Watch this Special Move Galactic Tail Whip!" Gil's Bit-Beast Came out of the Facebolt and it's Tail Glowed and it Headed torwards Akuma. "Dodge Light Akuma!" Light Akuma Dodged the Attack but then Gil Stretched it's Tail and Caught Akuma And threw it Against the Wall and Attacked with it's Tail. Then the Tip of Gil changed to SF To save some Energy. "I Must Win this Battle for Dad." Chance whispered to Himself. "Alright Akuma It's time to Strike Back We have to win this!" "Let's go Attack As hard as you can!" Akuma Headed towards Gil it sarted to Glow with Energy And attacked Hard Knocking Gil off it's Balance And it Scraped the Ground losing Some Spin. "It's Time Light Akuma Special Move Light Strike Death Bite!" Light Akuma Glowed with White and Green energy. It also gained Well balance for A Perfect Attack. Light Akuma charged Scraping The Stadium Leaving a Line of Rocks being Smashed apart. It finally Attacked Gil knocking it out the Stadium And it hit the Wall leaving a small Hole. It would have Gotten out of the Hole but it was Stuck in Their Grinding the Rock, Decreasing Spin. The battle is Over and Chance has won. "Awesome we Did it Light!" "You got Lucky that's All." Andrew leaves the Stadium to Battle someone Else for Points to Get better Parts. "In stadium One Chance has won and He is Going to Advance to Round Two!" Blader DJ Yelled. "Let's See what's Happening In the Second Stadium!"

Battle: Akashi Inimaki vs. Horigu Battle Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ps7MTpFfi...re=related

"Come on Horigu Let's go!" "Yeah Bring it On!" "Attack Disruptor!" "Give it your Best Saggitario!" Both Beys Came in the Middle Of the Stadium and Attacked each other With the Same amount of power. They kept Going neither Giving in They Attacked Fast So fast the Crowd could Barely see it. Making Sparks with their Attacks Archer Gives out a Little And Earthos Attacks Continusally Decreasing spin Faster "Come on Earthos!" "Knock it out!" Earthos Pushes Saggitario To the Edge. Saggitario is almost Knocked out But then.... "Saggitario Lean down and Hit the Ground!" His Bey Leans down while Earthos is About to make it's Final Attack, It makes a Whole in the Ground then It got Back up getting its Balance Again. "Charge Earthos!" Disruptor Charges and hits Saggitario Into the Sky But now Earthos is Stuck in the Hole that Saggitario made. "Should A Saw that coming!" Horigu said Violently "Heh You shoulden't Be so careless Go saggitario!" Saggitario Goes farther away From the Stadium. "Now look at My new Special Move!" "Special Move Inferno Arrow!" Saggitario Comes Out of the Facebolt And shoots An Arrow At Earthos. In that Arrow is Archer Saggitario Being shot down at Full Speed Downwards at Earthos With flames and Sparks Behind Him. "No Earthos!" Earthos Starts to Glow Near the Facebolt. "No escaping now!" "Saggitario!" Saggitario Gains more speed As it Falls, Almost At Contact Earthos shines Even Brighter, Then A Huge Bit-Beast Comes out of the Facebolt! It knocks off The Special Move As it Grows Bigger. "Finally You have Awaken!" Earthos Is a Giant, Who has A Shield On it's Left arm And A Hammer on it's Right arm. "Whaaaattt Is that Thing?!" "This is Earthos!" "You are a Great Opponet but I Have to end this Battle Special Move Hammer Destruction!" Earthos Raised it's Hammer And Hit Archer with Tremendous Power that Knocked it out of the Arena And to the Wall Making a Huge Crack but His Bey was alright. When Archer was knocked out Earthos stopped Spinning After Two Seconds Archer was Knocked out Because it was Still in the Crack. "What an Awesome Battle!" "The winner is Horigu!" "Good battle Akashi." "Yeah Horgu but Be prepared When I Come back To battle You again. With that They Shook Hands and Akashi has left.

"Now lets See the What's Happening in Stadium 3!" "This is it Lets see what you Got since I've Been gone!" "I'll take you on Anyday Takeshi!"

End of Chapter 6
You have a ton of dialogue in this story, which isn't a good thing. Readers need a good level of description in order to really picture and understand what is going on. If the whole story is a bunch of dialogue, readers can get lost or confused. Also, you should try describe the setting, like at the beginning of chapter 5. You wrote,
Quote:Ayumi and Horigu are walking in A Valley searching for A Bey for Ayumi.

Instead of doing this, you could have described the grass, the trees, the flowers, the animals (if any), etc. By doing things such as this, you give readers a clear image of where the characters are. Without setting description, it could be as if the whole story was taking place in a dull, small, completely white room. Description is needed in order to have a good story!!!

Now for the dialogue. You don't really have many dialogue tags, which could be a problem. Dialogue tags are needed to show who is speaking in the story, and without a good amount of them, the readers might be confused and not know who is saying what. Also, if you do put dialogue tags, try to vary them. The tags he said, he asked, he questioned, or others simmilar to them can become boring and repeitive, making a story worse. Try to add in other types to keep it interesting. Thirdly, you don't need to have dialogue tags all of the time, so having some without them is fine.Lastly, you should make a new line whenever there is a new person speaking. This can help show people who is speaking and helps the story not look like a jumbled bunch of text.

Wow, I feel like I just wrote a chapter for my book. Anyway, try to include these in your story and it will make it a LOT better.
Thanks SwiftShadow! I Had a Feeling I Was missing something.
hey thanks for putting my char: Chance in the story!

Great story! I agree that it has way too much dialogue and i couldn't picture half the battle but still nice story!

nice touch with Chance saying "im doing this for Dad!"

Keep it Up!
(Jul. 08, 2011  2:11 AM)Bunnii2165 Wrote: hey thanks for putting my char: Chance in the story!

Great story! I agree that it has way too much dialogue and i couldn't picture half the battle but still nice story!

nice touch with Chance saying "im doing this for Dad!"

Keep it Up!
Thanks I'll try to Improve next Time!
Series~1 Chapter~7
Opening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX7Uq1lhL...re=related

Takeshi and Akira have thier Launchers out. Akira is Nervous about facing Takeshi, Since he has Gotten stronger, Wiping the Sweat from his Face, Giving Takeshi a Intimidating look To show him He is not Scared.

Battle Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSe4VkQ6e...ure=relmfu

"Alright Bladers Ready 3, 2, 1 Let It Rip!" Blader DJ Yelled as Loud as He can
"Get Him Meteo L Drago!"
"Destroy it Centaur!"
("He's got Centaur That's a Strong Attack Bey!")
Blade Centaur is an Attack Bey with Strong Attacks. It's Facebolt Is Brown with a Black outline. It's Energy Ring is Brown, It Has two sides with Sharp Edges that could Scratch the Other bey Doing minamil Damage. It's Wheel is Shaped like Two Axes. But do to The space Between The two Axes It could do some Recoil Damage. The track is 100 Color is Black. And the Tip RF Makes it have Strong Impacts.
The two Blades clashed making Sparks as They hit Each other
"Centaur Hammer Crush!" Takeshi Yelled Furiously
The Centaur came out of the Bey. The centaur was Brown And it had a Ax in it's Right Hand, It had White Horns and a Ring in it's Nose
"Crush It!"
The centaur Spon the Ax in it's Hand and Brought It down With hard Impact that Knocked Meteo Over to the Edge of the Stadium. The Huge centaur left a Huge Crack in the Stadium That could mess up the Battle.
"L Drago come on You can do it!" Akira Cheered it on
"Centaur Knock it out!"
Cenataur Jumped over the Crack and Rushed over to L Drago. Once it got their L Drago Evaded The attack from Centaur and It started to push Centaur Out. L Drago Made its last Hit And it Pushed it out of the Stadium.
"Got'cha!"
"I Don't think so."
Centaur Ricochet off The Wall Leaving Cracks on the wall And came back Furiously Countering L Drago Attack. It smashed itself into L Drago And it Managed to Hit it's Facebolt Knocking it Over the Crack and All the way To the other side Of the Stadium! L Drago crashed to the Other Side of the Stadium Leaving even more cracks From the Wheel hitting The ground Decreasing It's Spin tremendously!
"Come on L Drago Get up!"
("If I Let him Knock It around I'll lose!")
"If thtat's All you got this Is a Waste of my time." Takeshi Said Relaxed
"Meteo L Drago Meteor Shock Driver!"
L Drago Raced around the Stadium with Generating Sparks. It started Glowing with Sparks As it t Raced around the Stadium.
"Attack!"
L Drago started to Jump It jump over the Crack in the Stadium And It charged with Sparks like a Screw Diver. When it made Contact It took Centaur into the Air this time and made a Final Attack Making a Huge Explosion that Came to The stadium The sparks disappeared And both Beys came falling Down Making a Little Compact due to the Force of Gravity. Both Beys were almost Done Equal Power, Equal Spin.
"I'm a Little Impressed But your Know were Near my Level Why dont you Just give up so we can end this." "I Dont know why You keep trying this is Going know where." "Give up now!"
....
Meteo starts glowing with Neo colors...
"I'm not giving up No matter what you say!" AKira yelled
"I Believe In L Drago we will Beat you No matter what You got that!"
"Now its time We end this Finisher Move Cosmic Meteor Destruction!"
Meteo L Drago glowed even Brighter with Neo Colors. It came out of the Facebolt And Chrarged at the Other Bey, Took it in the Sky, Almost Destroying it's Spin, And took it down With Massive Power. The Centaur tried to Free itself But its Not strong Enough To Escape. Finally it Headed Towards the Ground to where the Crack was and Pushed it Out of the Stadium making a K.O And Meteo Runs out of Stamina from being in the Crack. But wins by 2 Seconds.
"What A Amazing battle!" Blader DJ Yelled in Amazment "Akira Wins!"
The crowd Yellls from the Intense battle
Akira walks over to Takeshi And says..
"Good Battle Man." "We should do That again after The tournament."
"You know your not That bad Maybe we should."
They Pick up their Damaged Beys and Leave the Stadium With it's Huge Crack.

End of Chapter 7